All you need is a little self control, make yourself a brand new start - You gotta dig a little deeper!

It had been two years since I'd been back to Spain, and two years since I'd travelled out of New Zealand. Now thats a long time for someone whose caught the travel bug. One of the biggest symptoms is feeling restless. I came home this afternoon (having not had sleep since the 25th of July). The distance from Europe to NZ (or most places) is unbearable. On the plane back I could feel that little bug crawling back in. Into my constant little thoughts, it was trying hard to grow in my mind once again. "oh god, what the hell am I going to do back in that little Island in the middle of nowhere!?" 'great, you're gona live with your parents again', 'everyone is moving on with their lives but you, back to no job! Why would you want to work in NZ anyway? Go on search for jobs overseas! Maybe London? Back to Spain?". It kept whispering in my ear. But, it all seemed to wash away when we were about to land. I saw the long white clouds, I saw the endless and barren land scapes and I saw tourists gasp in amazement at where they were about to land. Thats when everything made sense. Home is heaven. Home is where the heart feels at ease. But that feeling doesn't come easy unless you make yourself feel at home from the inside out. Make the most of everywhere you are. Nowhere is better than where you are right now. And thats all you have to remember.

So anyway, Spain - mainly Madrid. I pretty much spent the whole time shopping and eating (commence operation diet or rather 'ramathan' now!). I also spent alot of time with my 'Spanish family'. Appreciating the importance of La Familia. (which ironically sounds very much like the familiar). I spent alot of time gaining my dreams back. Man I have so many. The trick now is to focus. To make goals out of them. Small goals, that stream into the big ocean that is my dreams....ok i'll stop trying to be profound now. Its just that I'm jet lagged and its 2 am and I can't get to sleep. It's during this time where I think I'm some sort of James Joyce and exaggerate my little musings on life....oh my. Can I just get to the song? Yes well. As I said, I spent most of my trip engaged in retail therapy. You know, trying to help out the Spanish economy through the crisis. H&M was a frequent haunt, and its where I first heard the song below. For the next few days, I would go on humming it only knowing that it had 'sister ...' in the chorus and that they sounded like the kings of leon when they were great. I became slightly loco. I had to find out what the song was. Emily, my great hostess, and myself would search the Internet whenever we got the chance. 'band that sound like kings of leon' -'sister by kings of leon' - 'songs with sister in the chorus' - 'H&M playlist 2012'. We were both unsuccessful. I became obsessed. On my last day I asked in poor Spanish, the lady serving me at the counter at H&M if they had a song list. She asked and they came back with 'no we just play a UK radio station'. So I went home and in the midst of packing I squeezed in one last search 'UK top 20 indie songs- 2012'. NOTHING. I couldn't find it. Then I heard it playing in Emily's room. To my surprise and great joy, she had become obsessed too. She typed in 'mary are you gona save me' (because she insisted she had heard that line), and there it was. Sister Everette by the Mystery Jets. Boy was that a Mystery! I was SO DAMN HAPPY. Best end to the trip EVER. I know it seems insignificant, but when I hear a great song, I get pretty obsessed. So here it is, the song that defined my trip to Spain, July 2012.

´Whoops....haven´t written on here in a while! Heres my excuse, I´m in Spain refueling.  Remembering whats good about life. I caught up with some lovely souls. I forgot that life is being lived.....Spain just gives you a big slap in the face and says ´wake up, walk slow and enjoy every little moment. No need to stress and let life unfold as it should´. All in one slap. I´m writing this from my old flat. The one I shared with Sole....life is amazing.In Toledo it feels like time has stood still. Thanks to my parents, I have lived an amazing life.....and will still continue doing so. I just need to keep remembering this feeling. I had a drink with Ana. A woman who inspires me to be úna mariposa siempre. She makes me feel like anything is possible. That life is great if you just stop over thinking and just enjoy floating through the air of it. God I needed this......

This is not a song as much as manifestation of how I feel. Enjoy. Off to the beach now, some 8 hours away!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDmt_t6umoY

Ok this song has been in my head for two mornings in a row now. Am I supposed to get some sort of message- or did I just infact have a soul shake down party in my sleep?  I think the message is that I have experienced both. minus the shaking and the partying, but just big on the soul feeling relaxed. Thats the best way I can describe my experience here. I'm having fun with the little cousins and granny, have a meeting tomorrow....fingers crossed, but if I don't get it- well the universe knows best I guess...Anywho enjoy this wee remix, and remember to give your soul a little party every now and then. I really forgot that part this past year. Oh and I also found out I am gluten intolerant! Rashes, breaking out in sweats, bloatedness, and puffiness - wooo really gotta watch what I eat now xx

 

You got heart...and you're going your own way

 

Never cared too much for Lady G - but I guess if you add Tony B, magic happens. Musical combo win! x

I woke up with this song in my head. For no particular reason....but I know that whenever Billie holiday seeps in, something good is coming my way. Enjoy x

I write again on this foreign keyboard. Going from right to left. hah.Also going from italics to normal. My brain is hurtin. Ok, now to my actual post. Yesterday was  a magical day. I literally could feel single fibers of my soul healing. I went to my uncles friends farm here in Jordan. Wish I could upload a photo, but forgot my damn phone charger. Anyway, we cooked kebab the traditional way on a tanoor, or an underground oven, and my dad and uncles made kebab on an open fire. I spend most of the time sitting next to my aging bibi (grandma) under a date tree.  She told me a lollybag mix of stories from her past. Some were sad and some were so incoherent ..she drifted in and out of thought, and at one point asked if my dad was drunk... it was hilarious. god I love family. and culture. I also learnt that the man who owned the farm, and his wife who were sitting in our presence laughing and being wonderful hosts, had just lost their daughter. The husband had accidentally backed up on the driveway and hit her. It was such a sad story, but I was so humbled to be around them . Around my entire family, as they reminisced about the good old Iraq under the date tree. It was just unexplainable how bitter sweet the atmosphere was.Iraqis are so strong. I guess God knew that when he dealt us our fate. I wish we were sitting under a date palm tree in Iraq though.

This song from ABBA always reminds me of my uncles,.. I first heard it when we were stopped at a checkpoint in Iraq the last time I went in 2003. It was really dangerous at that time, because that was where most bombs would go off, and I had just seen one go off infront of us 4 days ago. My uncle could tell I was scared so he turned up the radio really loud, and this song was on. To distract me, he started singing the song below in his best English accent... 

   . 

. In Jordan now. Writing on a strange keyboard, but feel so at home.speaking a language that makes me feel familiar and welcome. My mind does drift back to NZ from time to time, and I wonder if I can live here. I realize that with family I can be anywher. I am really confused at how this keyboard is operating, and there is a strange fullstop lurking about. It feels kind of figurative. Anyway, heres a song that always reminds me of being in the middle east. I dont know why its this song, but here you are. Enjoy , even though you may not understand. . see strange things are happening here. x

Yesterday I came home. For now, lets say that this is Auckland New Zealand. Tomorrow, I fly to Amman, Jordan.....a home my family has had to adopt after the war in Iraq. Next month - who knows where home will be...Right now, I just want to feel at home with myself. Not justify anything, or struggle with my choices....just let my self assuredness quietly tell others who I am and where I want to be. I am on the edge of chaos and uncertainty. I am on the brink of endless possibility. I have never been more excited/scared/alone/confused/content/numb. Its a strange feeling - but I know the universe is not letting me run away from my destiny. I feel like I'm standing infront of a tornado yelling 'COME AT ME BABY, COME AT ME!'. 


On that note.....


The next two songs always remind me of home....Enjoy x