I Kept thinkin' I Could Never See This Day
It Seemed So Far Away

It's so funny how quick things can change
Don't wanna make the same mistakes

This time I'll be a little smarter
I push myself a little harder 
 'Cause My dreams ain't that much farther, hey

I won't give up without a fight
I'ma reach for the sky
 Try 'till I get It Right
So I can see the day
When I can have things my way

I'ma start all over
Things are getting closer
I can see it baby...
Although I've had my Highs and Lows
I'ma push down that road, Yeah
My lord keeps sending me the signs
I know this ones gonna be mine
It won't happen if I don't try, No

This time I'll be a little smarter
 I push myself a little harder 
 'Cause My dreams ain't that much farther, hey


Don't give up without a fight

I feel better today. I've said it before, and I'll say it again - life is 10% what happens and 90% how you react to it. No body feels 100% all the time. You just have to take it day by day. I could write something un-original and repeated, but I will share something with you that is much more beautiful. My friend Jenn, who writes the most amazing words wroteme this, and it made me smilecry:

 There is no time for regret - there is no perfect job, no perfect decision, no perfect place...you just have to fight every step of the way to make it yours and right for you as much as you can, whatever it is you're given at this point in time. That's the only thing I know for certain now. That you make the decisions you do, for whatever reason, and the only way you're going to be happy is if you stick to it and live it the best you can. Nothing will lead you to perfection for free...have to work at it. Even if it looks like you'll never get there. Life doesnt belong to you - its just a battle, and it goes out like a flame when its your time. Nothing's promised to you - no money, no amount of time, no lover, no family, nothing is guaranteed and least of all your life. Every single cell that we have, every molecule is just a miracle, let alone the sheer fact that we're alive with all our limbs working, and healthy and with money to live on, with jobs, with family. We are already living the dream...its not a matter of being grateful...its knowing this fact, and actually being able to accept it.

I totally just copy-righted and referenced. Jenn Yang, please write a book. You are amazing. My freinds are amazing. Your friends are a reflection of who you are, and so if all else fails, it makes me feel pretty happy knowing that I have the friends I do.

Here's a song from two other friends who always lend me their ear- Thank you for sharing with me music, wisdom and laughter. I am greatful to friendship. Those people that let you be you, that let you smile from the inside, and not think about a damn thing you've said and done the next day. Those friends who follow this blog, know that I miss you so much today, and I love you. I hope you are having a good day/night wherever you are reading this.

( I also love how when I read back on my goal of being motivated, I realize that I don't spend nearly half the amount of time on here as I do at work. le sigh).

I am drowining. I need to get some air. Back to my old habits again. Lost. I need to recompose. Need to re-adjust. What have I done? Why am I here? I hope this is just a bad day - but I see no hope at the moment. No. I can't quit. Quitting is easy. Who do I trust here? hang in there kitty cat. Hang in there. Sorry this is depressing. Maybe it's because I am getting older - which has never really phased me, but I feel like I am just wasting time. Wasting opportunities. I feel like I have just been placed in Dubai. With no direction.

I need to remember to be greatful. I need to just think about what matters. My parents. It feels like Utopia when I think that if it all turns to crap - I have a home to go back to. Some people don't have that. Remember your blessings. It's easy to complain. I'll be fine again. I memorized the quote below once upon a time:

“Trust me, it's paradise. This is where the hungry come to feed. For mine is a generation that circles the globe and searches for something we haven't tried before. So never refuse an invitation, never resist the unfamiliar, never fail to be polite and never outstay the welcome. Just keep your mind open and suck in the experience. And if it hurts, you know what? It's probably worth it.”




― Alex Garland

Most of the time, the person that puts me down the most - is myself. I am my biggest enemy - and this needs to stop. Maybe you are crazy - but it's better than ordinary. Better than manipulative. Better than serious. Maybe you are a try hard - but whats wrong with trying hard? Whats wrong with trying? Nothing. There is nothing wrong and you just need to be.

The scene below seems pretty morbid, but it makes me feel at peace. I love it. Best ending to amovie ever.

I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.

Homesickness has set in. I feel an intense cloud of dark blue and grey. I lost sight of my goal - and I became ungreatful again. I need a reminder. FOCUS ON TODAY. Focus on your family. FOCUS. Life is not fun. Life is a struggle, and I need to learn to struggle. I need to carve some sort of career. Succeed. It doesn't matter if I've sold my soul. Time to grow up. Suck it up and stick it out. I can go back to human rights. I can go back to law. I can go back to study. Focus. Save and be yourself. Don't complicate it. Work hard, then go home. Don't forget how you got here. Life can change in a moment.

I went on the canals in the old part of Dubai yesterday. Rented our own boat. Went with a male work collegue, which was kinda romantic but not really....anyway -It was a great way to not think about crap and just relax! This song got me out of my rut yesterday. I love you music.

I heard the song below in the taxi today as I was going to get my Polio, Yellow fever and Typhoid shot for Nigeria. I'm just taking my job day by day. I wish there were more hours. People seem to not do the usual 9-5 here. The culture is stay as long as you can! I have yet to get used to it. At least I can say, I'm learning everday. Wow. Not profound. Don't get too excited lady. 

There is freedom within
there is freedom without
Try to catch a deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead 
many battles are lost
But you'll never see the end of the road
While you're traveling with me

So I'm still hopelessly trying to focus. I am getting better, It's just that starting is the hardest part. I need to make a start. I found out that I need to get 8 injections before going to Nigeria. Typhoid, Tetanus, Hepatitis A & B, Polio, Yellow fever - just to name a few! I am so excited for this (extreme sarcasm)!

This past saturday I had my first practice with this awesome acoustic guitarist I met. See cryptic post below :p I will post some songs we've done if any are worth posting. It's alot of fun. I finally have confidence to sing in public again! Right now it gives me something to do and it's a great way to de-stress. I feel so out of touch, and finally settling into my new life here. I hope I do well so I don't have to move. I am starting to really like it. My apartment is looking good too! I have to start getting into a bit of a routine now. I also need internet at home, or I will go stir crazy! ok back to work. Well I need to start work .....

This is a song I was introduced to recently. Will practice it this saturday :) Might put up our version if it sounds ok!