I try my hardest to wake up everyday with a sense of purpose, a motivation to commit my energy to something. Trying to invest my minutes to create something productive. It's conscious, and I consciously waste time. Even coming on this blog, to write this. During work. I looked at myself in the mirror today. Not like a passing glance because it's all too familiar. No. I really looked at myself. The age old question popped up again. How did I get here? Did I merely follow destiny's plan, or did I make a decision - so bad and ill thought that changed the course of my life to bring me here? And if I did steer myself away from destiny, and delayed the work of fate - (a contradictory statement), when will I finally come back to the right path again? Did I actually take the right path? What am I missing that makes me feel this way? Am I, as Plato proclaimed, forever in limbo until I find my other half? Am I missing excercise, the right career? or is it just pure gratitude that I lack? Gratitude. Yes. Find something to be greatful for wherever you find yourself inhaling in full health. This needs to be your daily practice.


I stare at my computer screen at home, and my background reads: 'the happiness of your life, depends on the quality of your thoughts'. I need this. I need distance - from pointless talking, from this incessant need to always say something. Is this my personality? Yes - be myself - for those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter. But still, I come home and wonder -who am I? *flashback to Les miserables scene, where he sings who Am I*. I only ask that question when I know I haven't been myself. I need to be myself. Without excuses, without acting, without pretending. Just be who you are - you know what you want, and you know what's good for you.

Anyway - that is as much as my philospher wannabe brain can spew out this morning. I have no motivation for this job. I have regret for the way I behaved in the first few days. Let us leave it at that, listen to India Arie who always has the right answers, and get on with the day. 

Ok well that failed.....


Clear sign I shouldn't be embarrassing myself on my bday!! hahah - I'll post a better one later. In the mean time, here's the actual song :) 

In other news, I spent the day totally alone in my new flat! cleaning, gyming, eating right. Watching Tootsie...damn Dustin Hoffman is awesome. going out to dinner tonight with the few lovely people I have met here. It's nice to spend your birthday with yourself! x

It is a beautiful Dubai Sunday. I moved here 36 days ago. I have gone through a myriad of emotions, and now I am 27 years old in a new city. I still have not found that elusive love. I still have not saved or bought a house, nor have I found a career, or done a few things I had set out to do. But I have been able to accomplish so much in my 27 years. I wake up most days ready to try. God has blessed me with the best of friends, and he has brought into my life the best people. And if that's not enough, I have the most amazing parents. I am everything because of my parents, and I am glad I can still call talk to them, despite the distance. 

Three weeks ago I faced my fear and joined forces with an acoustic guitarist. I know I haven't got the best voice, but music just heals my soul. These once a week jam sessions have made me smile in a new city, and made me forget my troubles. The song below was recorded by a really crappy Iphone mic, but I thought I'd share it with you for my bday, because it also happens to be on a beautiful Sunday morning. Lots of love and chocolate covered hugs. Thank you for staying in touch x

You say the more you think

You know what’s right

The less you do

What you feel inside

So I won’t pretend that I always know

I just follow my heart wherever it goes

And I may not always get it right

But at least I’m living coz I’ve only got this…

One life, one life, one life

I’ve got this one life

If I knew yesterday what I know today

Where would I be tomorrow?

I won’t let my soul slide away

I’d do whatever it takes

Coz this time’s only borrowed

I Kept thinkin' I Could Never See This Day
It Seemed So Far Away

It's so funny how quick things can change
Don't wanna make the same mistakes

This time I'll be a little smarter
I push myself a little harder 
 'Cause My dreams ain't that much farther, hey

I won't give up without a fight
I'ma reach for the sky
 Try 'till I get It Right
So I can see the day
When I can have things my way

I'ma start all over
Things are getting closer
I can see it baby...
Although I've had my Highs and Lows
I'ma push down that road, Yeah
My lord keeps sending me the signs
I know this ones gonna be mine
It won't happen if I don't try, No

This time I'll be a little smarter
 I push myself a little harder 
 'Cause My dreams ain't that much farther, hey


Don't give up without a fight

I feel better today. I've said it before, and I'll say it again - life is 10% what happens and 90% how you react to it. No body feels 100% all the time. You just have to take it day by day. I could write something un-original and repeated, but I will share something with you that is much more beautiful. My friend Jenn, who writes the most amazing words wroteme this, and it made me smilecry:

 There is no time for regret - there is no perfect job, no perfect decision, no perfect place...you just have to fight every step of the way to make it yours and right for you as much as you can, whatever it is you're given at this point in time. That's the only thing I know for certain now. That you make the decisions you do, for whatever reason, and the only way you're going to be happy is if you stick to it and live it the best you can. Nothing will lead you to perfection for free...have to work at it. Even if it looks like you'll never get there. Life doesnt belong to you - its just a battle, and it goes out like a flame when its your time. Nothing's promised to you - no money, no amount of time, no lover, no family, nothing is guaranteed and least of all your life. Every single cell that we have, every molecule is just a miracle, let alone the sheer fact that we're alive with all our limbs working, and healthy and with money to live on, with jobs, with family. We are already living the dream...its not a matter of being grateful...its knowing this fact, and actually being able to accept it.

I totally just copy-righted and referenced. Jenn Yang, please write a book. You are amazing. My freinds are amazing. Your friends are a reflection of who you are, and so if all else fails, it makes me feel pretty happy knowing that I have the friends I do.

Here's a song from two other friends who always lend me their ear- Thank you for sharing with me music, wisdom and laughter. I am greatful to friendship. Those people that let you be you, that let you smile from the inside, and not think about a damn thing you've said and done the next day. Those friends who follow this blog, know that I miss you so much today, and I love you. I hope you are having a good day/night wherever you are reading this.

( I also love how when I read back on my goal of being motivated, I realize that I don't spend nearly half the amount of time on here as I do at work. le sigh).

I am drowining. I need to get some air. Back to my old habits again. Lost. I need to recompose. Need to re-adjust. What have I done? Why am I here? I hope this is just a bad day - but I see no hope at the moment. No. I can't quit. Quitting is easy. Who do I trust here? hang in there kitty cat. Hang in there. Sorry this is depressing. Maybe it's because I am getting older - which has never really phased me, but I feel like I am just wasting time. Wasting opportunities. I feel like I have just been placed in Dubai. With no direction.

I need to remember to be greatful. I need to just think about what matters. My parents. It feels like Utopia when I think that if it all turns to crap - I have a home to go back to. Some people don't have that. Remember your blessings. It's easy to complain. I'll be fine again. I memorized the quote below once upon a time:

“Trust me, it's paradise. This is where the hungry come to feed. For mine is a generation that circles the globe and searches for something we haven't tried before. So never refuse an invitation, never resist the unfamiliar, never fail to be polite and never outstay the welcome. Just keep your mind open and suck in the experience. And if it hurts, you know what? It's probably worth it.”




― Alex Garland