Rain Storm.

Last night the sky erupted like a volcano, and I admit I was a little scared. At first, it sounded like two mice climbing the roof of my hotel room, and then it sounded like the mice became millions, and then it was more of a stampede in the Savannah. Cue lightning and thunder. Then total power cut. At times the storm that raged in Lagos made me want to get up and start writing my will...but a big part of me also wanted to get out there and just sit on the roof and watch it. I decided that I am more in awe and in love with storms than I am scared of them.

That was my first night in Lagos and I was reminded of one of my favourite love songs - Love rain. Enjoy x

ABUJA

It was hard to hold my tears back as I sat at the airport in Abuja, Nigeria - waiting to board my flight back to Lagos. I couldn't restrain the few that fell, so I tried to disguise the whole thing as the onset of a flu. A passerby would have thought I might have been sad to leave my loved ones, or a boyfriend, or my home behind.

Indeed my friends, you would know that my volatile state was not because of any of those things. In fact, It was because I was reading a text from my colleague - whom I share the region of Africa with. Whom I travelled with earlier in the year, on my first trip to Nigeria. I was trying to do it alone this time...but he had made a comment that morning, and I had taken out all of my stress on him. We had a huge misunderstanding, and I over reacted. He has been trying to help me - but I also felt like he was trying to compete with me...It didn't help that I feel so alone and paranoid of everyones motives at work. And that I woke up feeling a mix of loneliness, as I continued to travel alone - pride, that I had, and confusion as to what the hell I was doing here.

Don't get me wrong - I was pretty proud of myself for travelling to Nigeria alone. And then going to Abuja alone. And then meeting agents alone. I took it day by day, and just did not think beyond that. I remembered dad reminding me that If it's my time to go - I can't escape it, so I just trust in the bigger plan and get on with what I think I am "deciding". But I just did not feel comfortable being there at all. No matter how hard I try to push it away, I still feel so out of my depth in this role. In this country. I feel like I'm acting but when the scene is over, I don't know where to go. I'm only good on stage. I'm treating this job like a play. I just felt so stressed. I wanted to quit then and there. The combination of me trying to do this whole thing on my own, trying to make deals - with guys who resemble drug dealers, trying to sway parents to pay thousands of dollars to educate their kids overseas - all alone - just got to me. Who was I and who was I becoming?

After my little outburst - I regained temporary sanity. I snapped myself out of the mess my head likes to delve in from time to time.I remembered my mothers question this time: "if not this job then what? what will make you happy? is it the Job or you?" And I don't know. I couldn't answer. It's either I have not found what I am passionate about doing, or it just doesn't exist. And it's just me. My outlook. My intolerance for hard work. 

So I said to myself for the millionth time - young girl, whatever this job is - You're gonna do it. You're going to try your best and see it through. With each hardship and challenge, I'm learning. Becoming stronger. Growing up. I need to keep my emotions out of the job - but I'm getting there. Head down - do your work. I guess this year,this beginning, this whole experience is stripping my naivety as it would bright paint on a wall. At times, I still see people - the world in its best form. In it's brightest colours. But now I know that I need to look beneath the paint. Be a little smarter, and instead of stripping myself bare all the time - allow my surroundings a chance to tell me something. And I'll never really know what that something is, unless I listen.

I digress. Let me track my journey for you, and perhaps the rant above will become a little clearer. So early Thurs dawn, my father dropped me to the airport as he was heading back to NZ on the same day. My flight was early that morning, and as I was getting on board - I heard the familiar twang of a fellow Kiwi. I turned around - and asked the good looking guy behind me if he was from New Zealand. A rare coincidence we thought - as we boarded a plane to Nigeria.

So I Landed in Lagos and bumped into said kiwi again, and a couple of his friends. They were engineers on business there. Found my luggage- after standing in the tedious mess of Nigerian customs, and said my goodbye to the guys. I met the driver - who took me to the domestic airport. By the by, getting money from the ATM is an adventure of it's own in Nigeria. Here I was this small girl, carrying a laptop, and Ipod - walking through an alleyway to get 40,000 Naira in Cash to pay for a flight and the driver. Jeez my heart was pounding away. Anyhow, bought my ticket - on a very budget airline....and held my breath and said my prayers as we took off.

I landed in Abuja, and actually liked it much more than Lagos. It is the political capital of Nigeria, and thus supposedly more dangerous and unstable, but I found it to be more calm and peaceful. The hotel I went to was a shocker. Lights kept going out and the water was murky - and I was in the executive suite! hah. I was roughing it alright. Anyway - to cut a long story short, I spent the next two days meeting agents and students. It was all a blur really. My favourite part of Abuja would have to be my driver friend Demi. Me and him cruised around listening to old school hip hop - and then yesterday, he even took me to the local markets. Talk about poverty galore. I bought a traditional dress with the help of a random lady we met on the street - God really watches out for me with the people he brings to my life. But anyway, I found out that I got totally ripped off at the market. heh.

Oh- And kiwi boy emailed. We've been exchanging emails, and it's quite random and semi formal - we'll see what that encounter was all about in due course I guess.

So all in all - to some up the beautiful mess that was Abuja, I would say I am really becoming a fan of silence. I still have not applied it - but at least I am getting there. Abuja also taught me resilience and it taught me alot about how to work hard. Most of my life i've been the type of person who gets by on luck. I never prepare - I just wing it. Well as time passes and age catches up with me, I see that luck's running out my friend.

I do remember when I was holding back my tears though, a little voice in my head saying 'just think of yourself as an old old lady - telling your grandkids about your travels to Africa, learning how to tie a head scarfe, and coming to contact with scary places,situations and people - yet still carrying on'.

And then the pessimist dean was all like "psshhh IF you have grandkids...and I was all like SHUT UP pessimist inner voice!".

Anyway - conclusion: I'm insane. I pray that my talking to myself is mereley just because I've been pretty much alone the past three days....

  
As for a Soundtrack for the past few days? Some old school jay Z and Beyonce, Ja Rule and Ashanti- what I listened to as me and my new friend drove through Abuja.

Monsoon

Saturday morning started a little slow for me. I had all these grand plans, but I had woken up late from the night before. The night before I went to a beachside club, where I found myself in a Zoo of confused souls. Party goers - looking for a one night stand, looking to cheat, looking to drink, on a holiday or looking for a fling. Maybe some delusional souls, such as myself,  looking for true love in the worst of places. It was nice to be out though. It's not my scene, but sometimes I think - why not? The alternative is to sit at home and read a book or watch TV. I'm here, I'm gona make the most of it.  Met some interesting boys, and girls - then went home.

Anyhow, lets go back to yesterday. I woke up late as mentioned, and before I knew it - I had to go to the dentist with a gay friend from work. He's very dramatic and bitchy, and I can't decide if I want to get close to him or not - he's not popular at work, but whatevs, for the most part he makes me laugh. The dentist re-did my fillings and I felt a little better. Oh, and by the way - there was a huge sand storm in Dubai that day. 

Straight after, I went to meet my friend from work to go to the Amr Diab concert. Amr Diab was my first exposure to Arabic music, and I'm sure to a lot of foreigners with the song 'habibi ya nour el ein' (see below). His music was that perfect bridge for when I was at the epicentre of being an Irakiwi. We got to the concert at 7, and the sand storm continued as we stood. It then started raining - heavily. Dense, muddy rain. Now, the concert was outdoors, and the majority of the people were Egyptian, as the singer was. In my mind I thought, surely they have to cancel this concert! But the rain poured on and we stood - as if having a communal shower outdoors. 

Some people left, there were alot of people with kids - but they stayed on and smiled. We waited 6 hours for him to come on - due to technical difficulties. I took it upon myself to start complaining - having lived in a Western country, where it would have been cancelled, and everyone demanded their money back as they are not used to this type of poor organisation. But then I looked beside me - I was standing next to a beautiful little girl and her family, and she was smiling with them. The dad was holding up her little sister in the rain and laughing. They were there, just like me - in the rain. Then I looked ahead - as the music slowly started to play and the band set up and he began to sing at midnight, as it continued to pour with rain - a family of four started dancing. Young kids splashing in the rain. The Egyptian crowd staying on and making the most of the situation. Doing the "dabka" - a traditional Arabic dance. And then I smiled. It was so beautiful. Everyone was singing in the rain. It's exactly how I think of Arabs now. We've been through so much shit, that we know a little rain never gets us down. Especially the Egyptians! They were awesome. The concert was great - but I still don't understand the poor organisation. I am a little sick today, but it was worth it I would say. 

The songs were mostly about love and missing your loved one, which made me get a little sad at times. I wished I was being lifted on the shoulders of my boyfriend, or  fiancée or husband - but I quickly stopped myself from these thoughts that pessimally remind me of what I don't have. I looked ahead at the little girl and boy dancing in the rain with their dad. I turned to my friend, who is 35, and had just broken up with her boyfriend, and we both knew we were thinking and wishing for the same thing. It's hard remaining positive when you feel like love might not come your way, like you may not have a family, but then you just have to believe it will happen. Have faith in life, and love and humanity. Just like a monsoon in this desert - your entire world can change in a second. 

Here's the song that started my love for Amr Diab, and also one he never sang :( - but I love. Enjoy x

This morning I woke up and felt a familiar slump. Its like I keep going to sleep at the altar of change and inspiration, and waking up in the basement of negativity. Forgetting to count my blessings. Felt crap for talking badly about others. But I stretched, prayed and did 70 sit ups. Then I said this is a new day so get on your way! It's another chance to change and become a better person. On that thought, I called my brother - haven't spoken to him and my mother for 2 weeks.. It was good to hear his voice. I said to him ''how's NZ , I miss it'. He said 'nah its lame - you're lucky you're in Dubai, Dubai is cool'. I said 'nah it sucks. I miss you'. And so he replied: " you're never happy wherever you are". My 15 year old brother just gave me the biggest insight into my life. I remembered talking to him about how depressed NZ made me, how many arguments with my parent's he'd witnessed. I remembered kissing his forehead every night before he went to sleep and tucking him in and telling him to please not talk to our parents the way I do. And he listened. God bless him. I miss him, and I'm glad I called him. 

Today was a good day. Talked to the boss and made a plan moving forward. It was a great conversation and I feel more comfortable in my position now. I feel like I shouldn't stress out so much. Take it day by day and do my best. Enjoy where I am and balance life and travel. I also read this awesome article : http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/5-things-loving-yourself-actually-means/


So I end this again with a toast to life. A big cheers to being the master of your own destiny. Happiness come to me. I choose you. And If I ever find myself in the basement, I'm gonna turn it into a party baby. Enjoy every where you are. Going out to enjoy my Friday now x

From the movie " I'm not there": 

'People are always talking about freedom. Freedom to live a certain way, without being kicked around. Course the more you live a certain way, the less it feels like freedom. Me, uhm, I can change during the course of a day. I wake and I'm one person, when I go to sleep I know for certain I'm somebody else. I don't know who I am most of the time.'

'It's hard not to go to Hell.There's so many distractions,so many influences.Start walking right and pretty soon,there's someone gonna drag you down.Sure as we're living,sure as we're born,look up,look up.' 


I can't believe that for the first time ever, I listed to Bob Dylan. Listened to his lyrics. Drowned in the riot of his words.

Today I also realized what a snake I've become. Why do I feel the need to speak all the time? pointless words? stabs in the dark. Exaggerations at life. I need to step back. Take time out. Think before I say. Always speak kindly of others, and if you can't don't speak at all.

I cancelled my practice today with the guitarist. Think he's had a enough of this flaky insecure soul. I have no commitment. I have no goal. Now I'm giving up the one thing that makes me happy. But did it make me happy? 

I stood on balcony and watched a cigarette burn...like my day. 

Listen. Please listen and be smart. Be kind....remember to be kind. Words are not always necessary. 

I've been running most days. It has been so necessary. I need a goal. I need to follow the sound of the tambourine, back to who I've always been x

Left me blindly here to stand but still not sleeping
My weariness amazes me, I'm branded on my feet
I have no one to meet
And the ancient empty street's too dead for dreaming.

Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to 
Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.

There are snakes around me, and I'm trying to just dance around the drama. Dubai is making me stronger and less naive. Realizing that nothing is what it seems. Don't pass judgement too soon. There's nothing you can't handle.

On that note, I went for a 3 k run today. God it felt good. It's about habit, and now I can't imagine not working out. Not eating right. Here's to health and positive change. Day by day. 

Song for the day - La vie en rose....because even though there might be snakes, I'd rather see life through rose coloured glasses, instead of being pessimistic. Good things are coming this way. I can feel it x

I woke up this morning and decided to watch Arab Idol auditions for some reason. This was an hour ago. I found myself crying - one after the next. It sounds stupid - but I just felt so damn proud to be Arabic. It hit me that I speak the language, I understand the words, and how I convey myself is sometimes so Arabic. Yes, I'm an Irakiwi, but I had forgotten this Arabic part of me, and I actually realized that I spent so long trying to distance myself from it. I suppose I felt that for once, I'm not part of the minority. It's strange that a stupid arab idol audition brought this out in me - but sometimes things become clearer to you in the strangest moments.

Here's an Iraqi Kurd and her interpreter singing. The interpreter wasn't meant to sing, but they asked him to - and they both made it through. The song he sings is about Iraq. 

x