I've been losin' sleep
I've been keepin' myself awake
I've been wandering the streets
For days and days and days

Oh if I'm row to row
Back to back, lover to lover
And black to red, but I believe
I believe

There's no salvation for me now
No space among the clouds
And I've seen I'm heading down
That's alright, that's alright
That's alright, that's alright

And I've been taking chances
I've been setting myself up for the fall
And I've been keeping secrets
From my heart and from my soul

Going from row to row
Back to back
Lover to lover

Black to red

But I believe, I believe
There's no salvation for me now
No space among the clouds
And I've feel that I'm heading down
But that's alright

That's alright
That's alright
That's alright

Row to row, back to back
And lover to lover
And black to red
And row to row, back to back
And lover to lover

No space among the clouds
And I feel I'm heading down
But that's alright

Just be

Today was a great day. I started the morning talking to my loved ones. I Cleaned the house whilst listening to Miss Aretha. Got things in order. Cooked a great salad. Made a great date and banana smoothie. Now I am going to relax, plan my first day back at work tomorrow. Small, incremental steps and I'm going to finish big this year. I know it. I'm so blessed to be here. To have friends that make me smile. That think of me. I have contemplated deleting this blog - because it is semi narcissistic and repetitive, but that is what an affirmation is right? 

This is my affirmation. Make life simple, take pleasure in the mundane - but work hard, and remember, to always savour the sweet taste of this freedom. x

Time.

The theme for today was time. I woke up again, which is a blessing in itself. I took no notice of time, enjoying instead to waste it as I always do. Actually I skyped one of my best friends, which was a good use of my time- and spoke to my father.
Then time changed me. I allowed it too. I knew this was the time for everything. Well, I didn't know it at the time - but now I do.

A few weeks ago I met a guy at the dentist. We talked and he was very nice, and also cute (plus). He took my number, and asked me to meet him the next day, but I couldn't because my dad was here. I decided to meet him today, at the beach. 

As much as I tried to deny it - my mind was already swelling with ideas. What if he's the one? Or maybe I could just have fun, waste some time. Kill some time. All these hopeful little dreamy thoughts going through my head as I walked down the stairs of the beach to meet him. 20 mins after we met, he started to tell me about his girlfriend, and how much he misses her. I will say, I was a bit pissed off. What was  I doing wasting my time with this guy? But I swallowed my pride, and we continued to have a good conversation. As we continued to talk about everything and anything, he gave me some of the best advice in the world. It was as if the universe sent him to me, on this day - to tell me to stop being so damn naive. Nay - to really AFFIRM IT ! While at times my pride wouldn't let me believe that he was talking to me like a little sister, I listened carefully about his life. How he got here. Because he was such a doer. Though it sounds repetitive, He told me to put everything in drawers. To prioritize my time. To be selfish. Invest 70% of your energy on YOU, and about 30% on the people around you. It was amazing talking to him (even though the fact that we were meeting contradicted his advice, but whatever). After that, I let go of my inhibitions. For once, I was honest with someone without trying to impress them. I just said how I felt, and really took in what he said. I'm not going to lie - there was a time, when he was talking about his girlfriend, I thought - What a lucky girl....but we could still have something otherwise, why are we here? Oh god this is depressing- I need to go home, find an actual potential, why do I keep meeting random, good for nothing g...

And then, it's as if someone took a big frying pan and smacked me in the back of the head.WOW. WTF. I finally realized that this was my roadblock. This is my biggest BIGGEST problem. For the past 5 years, this has been my focus. Looking, searching and crying out for some guy to love me like I was the first and only girl he's met. Instead, I met guys who just told me that this is how they felt about someone else in their life. And I was just there. With them, in Transit. Because that's where I was. I never loved myself enough to allow someone else to really, truely fall in love with me. It's been said to me before, but I was a little cynical. So I continued to look. To hope. To flail my arms in despair. This is where 70% of my energy went, and this needs to stop. There. I said it. It was obvious to everyone around me - but It never hit me until today how obsessed I was with this search. Now I know it's gospel.


What also got to me was that he was so positive. He had such a great energy. He dropped out of school at 15 and just paved his own path in life. He never seemed to have regrets.Even about being here. Starting from scratch. And I realized, as much as I hate being here sometimes, away from my loved ones - it's making me grow up and learn at such a fast rate. Not just about myself and what I want, but what's truly important in this life. I will stick it out. I will do great in this job, and I might have finally found my career. 

We discussed the importance of time - as we watched it fly by. It has never rung more true than at that moment- what am I waiting for? Time and change are on either side of me. In between there are distractions, but I must focus on the mission. I came here to do my job, find a career, travel and save money, work on my health and my body. And there is no better place to do all this than right here, right now. It's time.With a little bit of discipline and focus, it will happen. I know it. 

Instead of going home that evening I went to the swimming pool and just swam, swam swam. I realized how much work I have to do....and how lucky I was to still have time to do it. My dad's words still ring true. This is it. My opportunity to change, for the last time. So, thank you universe for bringing all these random people into my life, that grab me by the shoulders, or ears for that matter, and turn me right back on the track I need to be on. 

Destiny doesn't like to waste time. There is a reason for every meeting. 

Passport

From time to time as I clutch my New Zealand passport and wait in line at airports, I look at it and think 'shit I'm lucky'. My mind then automatically always drifts to 17 years ago, when my parents left everything they knew and moved to this distant Island. And now here I am. Travelling from country to country thanks to this little thing. 

Born in Baghdad but a NZ citizen  - what do you say when people ask where you are from? I just pick and choose sometimes. Whatever I feel closest to on the day.

And I kept thinking about my parents when I held that densely stamped passport. How they never tried to cage my free spirit. My dad in particular - letting his little bird roam free in the earth he made my heaven. God. How lucky am I? 

I'm back in Dubai now. Nigeria was a good quiet time for me. I realized how lucky I am to be in Dubai, even though it is getting unbearably hot. My time in Lagos left me with ALOT to think about...but I'm choosing not to stress. I want to take things slow. Day by day, and just savour every opportunity to change my body, improve my mind, and soul. I realized how precious life is - truely - a candle in the wind. You really need to make the most of wherever you are. Just live in gratitude, and life will soon work it's sweet little self out. 

Enjoy x

Unconscious.

It was a choice I made to stay inside today. A self imposed prison if you will. And I drowned in my thoughts; but not the usual submersion. No this time it was a peaceful drowning, rendering me unconscious to the point of action.

And this is when I shine. Like phytoplankton, illuminating the sea. And as I float I wonder - will I ever get tired of motivating myself to swim? Cos I know I can swim. Really well if I wanted to. But truth is, my bones ache sometimes, and I just want you to whisper sweet nothings in my ear. Let me in on that little secret which keeps you smiling. And Lets leave love out for a second here, but just tell me - would you like me for more than just a little while?

Because I'm sure you did at one point...and I was too scared to see it. And now my wish for you came true. And you're whispering in the right ear. Sweet delicious nothing. Like rose water. I have to drink it.

Tell me; Is it that obvious? My uncertainty? My wanderlust notion? Is that what makes you run a mile after a month or so?

I look back on the church that became a disco. The Moroccan hostel where love was found for love. The lunchbox filled with chocolate. The surgery. The new city. The Turkish delights and the cheap pot of flowers. I make myself see you till I'm numb. And then the trumpet, of coarse. And finally the card dealer. Valentine stealer. Like a set of domino's lined, you all came tumbling down. And you stayed in my life less than the time it took me to get you out of my mind. That's what kills me really.

I lie to myself. Because I know that what really kills me is The Piano. The Pyramid.  The Playlist. Because you saw me raw, layers peeled and you wanted to stay. You could've stayed for more than a while. A mere millisecond. But I knew that the only way to make you stay is if I pushed you away. And so I did. And I was right.

And here I am. In a room by myself. Waiting to wake up unconscious. I recharge like a drained battery. And most importantly, I prepare for the swim ahead. And sometimes I don't know how long I'll be cutting across the water, or how deep it will get, so I need time you know? To think and to stretch a little. And sometimes I stretch so far back in time that It's hard to think about the journey ahead. But I have to. I won't let myself drown. I'm all I have in this ocean.

No, don't feel sorry for the gypsy queens. Their compass is always pointing them in the right direction. And though the needle spins out of control sometimes, I know it's just glitch, and for the most part - they're going right where they should be.

Rain Storm.

Last night the sky erupted like a volcano, and I admit I was a little scared. At first, it sounded like two mice climbing the roof of my hotel room, and then it sounded like the mice became millions, and then it was more of a stampede in the Savannah. Cue lightning and thunder. Then total power cut. At times the storm that raged in Lagos made me want to get up and start writing my will...but a big part of me also wanted to get out there and just sit on the roof and watch it. I decided that I am more in awe and in love with storms than I am scared of them.

That was my first night in Lagos and I was reminded of one of my favourite love songs - Love rain. Enjoy x

ABUJA

It was hard to hold my tears back as I sat at the airport in Abuja, Nigeria - waiting to board my flight back to Lagos. I couldn't restrain the few that fell, so I tried to disguise the whole thing as the onset of a flu. A passerby would have thought I might have been sad to leave my loved ones, or a boyfriend, or my home behind.

Indeed my friends, you would know that my volatile state was not because of any of those things. In fact, It was because I was reading a text from my colleague - whom I share the region of Africa with. Whom I travelled with earlier in the year, on my first trip to Nigeria. I was trying to do it alone this time...but he had made a comment that morning, and I had taken out all of my stress on him. We had a huge misunderstanding, and I over reacted. He has been trying to help me - but I also felt like he was trying to compete with me...It didn't help that I feel so alone and paranoid of everyones motives at work. And that I woke up feeling a mix of loneliness, as I continued to travel alone - pride, that I had, and confusion as to what the hell I was doing here.

Don't get me wrong - I was pretty proud of myself for travelling to Nigeria alone. And then going to Abuja alone. And then meeting agents alone. I took it day by day, and just did not think beyond that. I remembered dad reminding me that If it's my time to go - I can't escape it, so I just trust in the bigger plan and get on with what I think I am "deciding". But I just did not feel comfortable being there at all. No matter how hard I try to push it away, I still feel so out of my depth in this role. In this country. I feel like I'm acting but when the scene is over, I don't know where to go. I'm only good on stage. I'm treating this job like a play. I just felt so stressed. I wanted to quit then and there. The combination of me trying to do this whole thing on my own, trying to make deals - with guys who resemble drug dealers, trying to sway parents to pay thousands of dollars to educate their kids overseas - all alone - just got to me. Who was I and who was I becoming?

After my little outburst - I regained temporary sanity. I snapped myself out of the mess my head likes to delve in from time to time.I remembered my mothers question this time: "if not this job then what? what will make you happy? is it the Job or you?" And I don't know. I couldn't answer. It's either I have not found what I am passionate about doing, or it just doesn't exist. And it's just me. My outlook. My intolerance for hard work. 

So I said to myself for the millionth time - young girl, whatever this job is - You're gonna do it. You're going to try your best and see it through. With each hardship and challenge, I'm learning. Becoming stronger. Growing up. I need to keep my emotions out of the job - but I'm getting there. Head down - do your work. I guess this year,this beginning, this whole experience is stripping my naivety as it would bright paint on a wall. At times, I still see people - the world in its best form. In it's brightest colours. But now I know that I need to look beneath the paint. Be a little smarter, and instead of stripping myself bare all the time - allow my surroundings a chance to tell me something. And I'll never really know what that something is, unless I listen.

I digress. Let me track my journey for you, and perhaps the rant above will become a little clearer. So early Thurs dawn, my father dropped me to the airport as he was heading back to NZ on the same day. My flight was early that morning, and as I was getting on board - I heard the familiar twang of a fellow Kiwi. I turned around - and asked the good looking guy behind me if he was from New Zealand. A rare coincidence we thought - as we boarded a plane to Nigeria.

So I Landed in Lagos and bumped into said kiwi again, and a couple of his friends. They were engineers on business there. Found my luggage- after standing in the tedious mess of Nigerian customs, and said my goodbye to the guys. I met the driver - who took me to the domestic airport. By the by, getting money from the ATM is an adventure of it's own in Nigeria. Here I was this small girl, carrying a laptop, and Ipod - walking through an alleyway to get 40,000 Naira in Cash to pay for a flight and the driver. Jeez my heart was pounding away. Anyhow, bought my ticket - on a very budget airline....and held my breath and said my prayers as we took off.

I landed in Abuja, and actually liked it much more than Lagos. It is the political capital of Nigeria, and thus supposedly more dangerous and unstable, but I found it to be more calm and peaceful. The hotel I went to was a shocker. Lights kept going out and the water was murky - and I was in the executive suite! hah. I was roughing it alright. Anyway - to cut a long story short, I spent the next two days meeting agents and students. It was all a blur really. My favourite part of Abuja would have to be my driver friend Demi. Me and him cruised around listening to old school hip hop - and then yesterday, he even took me to the local markets. Talk about poverty galore. I bought a traditional dress with the help of a random lady we met on the street - God really watches out for me with the people he brings to my life. But anyway, I found out that I got totally ripped off at the market. heh.

Oh- And kiwi boy emailed. We've been exchanging emails, and it's quite random and semi formal - we'll see what that encounter was all about in due course I guess.

So all in all - to some up the beautiful mess that was Abuja, I would say I am really becoming a fan of silence. I still have not applied it - but at least I am getting there. Abuja also taught me resilience and it taught me alot about how to work hard. Most of my life i've been the type of person who gets by on luck. I never prepare - I just wing it. Well as time passes and age catches up with me, I see that luck's running out my friend.

I do remember when I was holding back my tears though, a little voice in my head saying 'just think of yourself as an old old lady - telling your grandkids about your travels to Africa, learning how to tie a head scarfe, and coming to contact with scary places,situations and people - yet still carrying on'.

And then the pessimist dean was all like "psshhh IF you have grandkids...and I was all like SHUT UP pessimist inner voice!".

Anyway - conclusion: I'm insane. I pray that my talking to myself is mereley just because I've been pretty much alone the past three days....

  
As for a Soundtrack for the past few days? Some old school jay Z and Beyonce, Ja Rule and Ashanti- what I listened to as me and my new friend drove through Abuja.