Sabotage of Babel

A step forward and then 200 back.
Babylon, right before an attack.
The cradle of civilization.
Off-track.  

My dear lost city, 
I'm the royalty, who makes herself a pauper -
I know if I could still hear you whisper you would tell me that it's a shame for a heron to break her own wings,
when everyone saw how far she could soar.

How many times did you crumble? 
Because I still bring myself down like rubble. 
Just to be on their level. 
I'm so scared to rise above and just be. 
I am too scared of where my focus will take me.
What silence will show me.

Like you - my reach for the sky is not linear. 
It is twisted and circular and dizziness always brings me doubt.
You're nothing like the sky scrapers that surround me. 

So many have eroded your steps- as you brought them inches closer to the heavens. 
I know you're tired. I know that you have more than your fair share of cracks. 
And sometimes the sun of Babel beats down on you so hard, you don't know how much longer you can point towards it. 


Scholars have studied you, artists have painted you - 
but we, your pillars have sabotaged you.


And you couldn't stop the Sabotage of Babylon. 
Because the sabotage has reached my mind, and my body.
The sabotage has reached my upbringing and my self respect.
I sabotaged my future and I sabotaged my present. 

Most of all I sabotage the present. 
No matter how far up I go, I always climb back down your steps.
In search of someone to hold my hand.
I bring it down a level always,
Because I'm too scared of what I'll see on my own. 

I feel you dear Babylon, as you look at your Herons now. 
Never knew how good they had it did they? 

Stay humble in your soul. 
Stay humble in your actions.  
Don't sabotage your presence. 
There is a reason you are still standing. 

'You could never have guessed, we were already blessed, where we are'.

I was making you, and myself wait for another amazing opportunity. Another one of my dreams to come true. Another job offer. You see - 3 weeks ago, I thought I had found my ideal job. A sign from god. The universe. It was everything I thought I wanted. My dream #334. I spent days writing my cover letter. It was amazing. I got a call back within hours of sending my CV. I went to one unorthodox interview (group interview), and made it to the second round. The second round was a volunteer meet up. It was there that a girl asked me what I did. I told her about my job. She said 'wow, that sounds Awesome! you're lucky you have a job and looking for employment. There's nothing out there. Can I send you my CV?' - and for once, instead of complaining,  I thought - yeah I'm pretty lucky aren't I?
I had putting everything on hold to hear back about that job. I just had to have it. I never wanted anything more in my life. I didn't do any work at my current job. Infact, I had already written my resignation letter. I was adamant i'd get it, and my life would change.

Until that night. I went home, talked to my best friend, who told me - woman, don't be negative. Stop complaining. You're already living the life of your dreams - you're just not realizing it. You want a happy life? Count your blessings & recognize how lucky you are. That's when your life will be 'happy'. Stop looking for a way out. Every job is hard at the beginning, everyone must struggle a little to get to where they want, and if you haven't - then it's probably not worth it.

I'm waiting for the third round, but I'm not holding my breath. Infact, i'm taking it easy and working hard. I'm inhaling the love, and exhaling the negativity. This is my dream life, and I'm still dreaming it forward. But now atleast I can differentiate from being just a lazy dreamer - to an idealistic do-er. So I toast again to patience, gratitude, family, income, friends & health. If I have all those, I have happiness. And so it is, that happiness I have. 

All the while we're living....music is always giving

Two new songs to keep you with me....

Carousel

Round and round I go. Feeling elated, feeling dizzy, feeling sick, feeling hopeful. I keep choosing to go round and round and round.

And I fail to see that not everyone is cheering me on. Not everyone is rooting for me, despite the frequency of my shouts, and the consistency of their words. Despite the randomness of my laughter. Most of the audience shares a sadistic pleausure in watching my head spin. Actually, most of the audience are middle-class citizens (as am I), who are the centre of their universe, and they just don't really care.
I can count on my hand the few that have genuinely wanted for me, the same happiness they wish upon themeselves. But I've had enough of looking at the external for answers. For solutions. For change. For happiness. It does not come from what other's say or do. It comes from me. The eye before the storm. In the real world, the music keeps playing long after the carousel has stopped.


And so it became, that round and round I went. When I stepped off into coherence, standing still and smiling, the world kept on spinning. And I finally had a sense of la vie en rose, that only comes from constantly reminding ourselves to enhale the air of gratitude which surrounds us. To just be. Freely. I took my first breathe, into my new life. And I did not regret, having circled around myself, having looked at myself inside out, from every angle. From every perspective. And I did not regret, having seen the world and both my significance and frailty in it.

I've never been afraid to paint with Awareness, Vulnerability, Despair & Doubt.
I mixed  them up in my pallete, because I knew one day the carousel I'm painting will be frozen as my very own masterpiece. Stopped for all time, and admired for it's quiet confidence. It's beautiful presence. Music still playing, between calm & chaos.

Here's to my few. The next two months is dedicated to you x

You know I've been here before. And I've begged and I've prayed and I've asked God and the universe to give me a chance. And then I was blessed and happy and full of life and hope, and then I got self centred and selfish. Spoilt and angry and I no longer wanted what I begged for. What I prayed for. 

Because I never really knew what I wanted in the first place. I didn't know what I was asking for. I just wanted decisions to be made for me. I wanted to live in a dream world where everything is meant to be and I'm just following destiny. And maybe that's the case, and my decisions have been a mix of both, which is why I am here again, taking a job that's bigger than me, without thinking it through. Then I don't push myself far enough. I sell myself short. But that's because I soon realize it is not my passion. But I continue, after all - I've always gotten by on charm. And then I look for the next big thing. But I forget about the best and just take the next first thing that comes my way. Without thought. 

That's the past. And i'm finally looking forward to the future. Because good or bad -  every person, every moment, every city i've lived in, every emotion i've expressed, every idea i've had - has led me to where I am today. And I know my time is coming. 

Maybe what I'm about to do is impossible. Maybe my story wont end the way this video does, like so many of the contestants on the sideline....but I'm going to compete. 

Regardless of the decision I've made, and regardless of the city i've escaped to - god has blessed me with amazing people. 

I know what I'm destined for. I saw it, and I'm going for it. And if it doesn't happen, at least I know now what I want. What I need. And when you know that, when you really truly figure that out. It becomes your obsession, your magnet. And you fight for it. You really sweat for it. And cry for it. I'm fighting for this opportunity. Universe please put me right this time. I've learnt my lesson, and I'm done talking. I'm done thinking. I just want to start doing what I love. I'll do my part, and i'll leave the rest up to you. Let me get back to believing that nothing is impossible.

Think outside your head.

Always Do Your Best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
Miguel Angel Ruiz 


I'm currently sharing my house with two cats. As if I didn't feel like a crazy lady already. heh. I have also just returned from a job interview where I was rejected. But it was the fuel. The fuel to the fire. 

And you still want to cry and blame fate because you haven't tried your best. And you know it. You're in a bad position, but you're selling yourself short. You build or destroy your life with your mind. Your attitude. Where there is a will, there is a way. There is a way. Where there is gratitude, there is hope. Where there is hope - there is a beautiful world. 

It's a fine day
Just escaped from a bad dream
Asking what's the use of figuring it all out? 
I'm not starting again
Just continuing the same
Asking what's the use of figuring it all out? 

I'm a question mark
A walking talking question mark
I'm a question mark
A walking talking question mark
I'm a question mark
A walking talking question mark

But what is the question again? 
Ooohhhhwah
What's the use of figuring it all out? 

I guess a man alone
Always talks too much
Can't start again
So he's just continuing the same
Asking what's the use? 

What's the use? 
What's the use? 
What's the use? 

Now we know where we're going
And who we are
Doesn't seem to get us
Too far
'Cause everything else is still a mystery
And that mystery is

LIFE
I just wanna live

Life may be sad sometimes but it's always beautiful
Life may be sad sometimes but it's always beautiful
Life may be sad sometimes but
But it's always a question mark

Get up.

Let me tell you something you already know.
The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. 
It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.
You, me or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life.
But it ain't about how hard you hit.
It's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward.
How much you can take, and keep moving forward.
Thats how winning is done.

Pain is temporary. It may last for a minute, or an hour or a day, or even a year. But eventually it will subside, and something else will take it's place. If I quit however, it will last forever.

You gotta dream? You gotta protect it. 
People can't do something themselves, they tell you YOU can't do it.
If you want something, go get it. Period. 

Don't be afraid to fail. You can't always win, but don't be afraid of making decisions. 

Most of you say you want to be successful, but you don't want it bad.You just kinda want it.

You don't want it as bad as you wanna party, you don't want it bad as you wanna be cool. Most of you don't want success as much as you wanna sleep!

Deep down. Deep, deep down - ask yourselves. Who do you want to be?
Figuring out for yourselves what makes you happy. No matter how crazy it may sound to the people. MAKE A CHOICE. Like, just DECIDE what it's going to be, who you're going to be, and how you're gonna do it. JUST DECIDE.

Get up. And don't ever give up. 

Don't cry to give up - cry to keep going!
Don't cry to quit! you're already in pain, you're already hurt, get a reward from it.