When I write in this blog, sometimes funny things happen. I came very close to destiny a few days ago. Fate and serendipity and love. But it was not mutual. It was not exclusive. It was a rare and unexpected connection with a young man. He was everything I thought I wanted. That meeting taught me a lot about how I sabotage myself, because as much as I say I want to be in love - I'm not ready for it just yet. For years I've focused on all the wrong things, and I've forgotten to live in the moment. I've forgotten gratitude and goal setting. I was consumed with the idea of love. The past two days fate gave me a glimpse of what might have been, and how unprepared I was to allow someone in. The insecurities, the rush and the need to handcuff any hint of love. It was emotionally fulfilling to be so open with him, yet so draining at the same time. I realised that I have to deal with the fact that I may never be your first, but you will be my first everything. I have to be ready to embrace that - to see that fact in a different light. God sends you these people - momentarily, for a while or forever - and time will tell you the difference.  It was deep. We talked about fear. I almost got real....but not quite. 

Application Generation

I long for the days when someone would see you across the room, and fall madly in love. Make an effort. Flash you a smile. Even walk across the room, entranced by your aura. Just to talk to you. Conversation. Connection. Seeping through your senses kind of elation. Not a temporary high. Not a disposable encounter. I long for the days when chivalry was alive. When men had standards. Are these just stories for movie scripts? Or was there a time in the past when love existed? When you didn't have wassap, or an Iphone, or Tinder or facebook. When you had to rely on the art of conversation. The whirlwind of wooing. When you felt like you were worth something. When passionate letters were exchanged and longing glances where immortalized. Nothing was as easy as the swipe of a finger, the click of a button, the facade of a text. I feel like it's finally time to stop wishing and waiting for an era long gone. 


It was a sad day when I let you go.
All naivety and desperation, out the window. 
It was a sad day when I finally shut the door.
When I finally picked up what was on the floor.

It was a tough morning when I dressed for myself.
When I made myself pretty for me and no one else. 
When I ate right, and thought right and returned to heart.
When I ran for my mind. 
And walked for my soul.
And you were still gone.
And I was still trying to balance hope and reality.
Oh the vanity.  

And it was agonizing to continue this way. 
To erase something that was only ever written with lead.
Sketched inside my head.
I was using the wrong stencil.
I sharpened the wrong pencil. 

It took longer than a while, patience tangled;
but I came home.
And I wasn't going to draw you again.
But the door was unlocked, and the ceiling shone. 
And you walked in -
Your best form.
Real and uninhibited.
And you saw love.
And it was unapologetic, and it was sure.
and it raised the bar and you weren't afraid.
Pull ups galore.
It wasn't double guessing.
Like a statute in a square. 
The war was over.
And I was there. 

I don't know where I'm going
But, I sure know where I've been
Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
An' I've made up my mind,
I ain't wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again

Tho' I keep searching for an answer,
I never seem to find what I'm looking for
Oh Lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on,
'Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An' here I go again on my own
Goin' down the only road I've ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An' I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time

I'm just another heart in need of rescue,
Waiting on love's sweet charity
An' I'm gonna hold on
For the rest of my days,
'Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An' here I go again on my own
Goin' down the only road I've ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An' I've made up my mind

I ain't wasting no more time

Single Status

It was December, when I said yes to love. 
When I found out, that inside out is where I'd begin.
It was December when the room was full of light.
Fruitpunch delight. 
Emancipation in Hazy Sight. 
No longer Nostalgic.
All I gotta do is fall in love,
Stop with the self titled tragic. 

And it was a morning in December.
Scraping the edge of a new moon.
Mid afternoon.
When I decided, it was time to fall in love...
with you. 

The duet

Silver tin
Square and flat
Sweet Mirngue mix;
Pour it in.

Bees workin' all day;
Honey comb brewin'
Fill the jar and lets get to doin'

Swimming pool marble.
Crisp leaves and traces of spring.
Arizona sun beating;
Sink me in.

Big hall.
Balloons galore.
Three people;
I stand by the door. 

White sheet.
Ledgers afloat.
and G and F and C clefs.
Fermata is formed.

In the meantime,
I feel desperate for you.
Like a bridge on a troubled track;
I'm desperate to cross, but my shoes are empty.
Each day I dream of something new
But I just want you to get me.

I'm desperate for that sweet taste.
To sell some jars and lay it on you 
First name basis;
Honey, just let me love you.

I'm desperate to swim;
in your confusion,
in your illusion.
Let me drown in your lake
Even if the waters fake.

I'm desperate to dance the night away.
Hold me tight.
The party's just for us
The balloons are big and bright.
Skin to skin. 
I feel alright. 

I'm desperate to sing with you,
so jot down the lyrics.
I wrote down the title-
'The best hasn't happened yet'
But baby,I'm ready for that duet.

Between Euphrates and Tigris

I raise my voice
In the hopes that it will raise you.
You raise your voice,
In the hopes that it will raise me.

Like a broken dam,
I pour and gush. 
Buttons pushed.
my behavior is robotic.
I try to break the mechanics.
Frankenstein.

I forget your mortality,
and remember once your cracks show.
Because medicine is all you know.

So I wait for you to heal me -
when you've never been healed yourself.

And I decide that we should operate.
Surgical gloves and all.  
Invisible Umbilical cord, 
Never letting go.
Choking us with anger. 
Feeding us concern.
Suffocating all tenderness. 
Thoughts of what will make you happy.

But your role should mean perfection.
We start the dissection. 
From you I draw blood stained strength.
My passion for construction.
upon closer inspection,
I see pride in your eyes,
Along with my reflection. 

You are my pain. 
My sense of security. 
In.
Your words push me to the edge of the river.
How do you cut the veins of this connection?
How can I deliver? 

And I stitch the scars of a fighter.
I inspect the tumors of passion.
You exposed my soul.
Your light is preserved.  

And on those fateful days 
Between love and hate.
Between Euphrates and Tigris.
I came to know you better. 
I came to know me better. 

Traffic Light lovers.

Green man lit.
He takes a stride.
We stare without a care,
Senses intertwined.

Frozen fireflies land on my face,
Then they fly, as quick as a race.
You kiss the place where they briefly lay.
I'm finally living the dream of this day.

We hug as we wait for the traffic to brew.
But I'm just lost in your sedative hue.
Crossing the road is overdue.

You tighten my scarf as you swallow my chest.
Solitude_ I've passed your test.
No longer an alien, watching the rest.

We ignore the lights from stop to go.
Afterglow.
We let the traffic flow.
I'm finally lost in a world I know.