Most of the time, the person that puts me down the most - is myself. I am my biggest enemy - and this needs to stop. Maybe you are crazy - but it's better than ordinary. Better than manipulative. Better than serious. Maybe you are a try hard - but whats wrong with trying hard? Whats wrong with trying? Nothing. There is nothing wrong and you just need to be.

The scene below seems pretty morbid, but it makes me feel at peace. I love it. Best ending to amovie ever.

I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.

Homesickness has set in. I feel an intense cloud of dark blue and grey. I lost sight of my goal - and I became ungreatful again. I need a reminder. FOCUS ON TODAY. Focus on your family. FOCUS. Life is not fun. Life is a struggle, and I need to learn to struggle. I need to carve some sort of career. Succeed. It doesn't matter if I've sold my soul. Time to grow up. Suck it up and stick it out. I can go back to human rights. I can go back to law. I can go back to study. Focus. Save and be yourself. Don't complicate it. Work hard, then go home. Don't forget how you got here. Life can change in a moment.

I went on the canals in the old part of Dubai yesterday. Rented our own boat. Went with a male work collegue, which was kinda romantic but not really....anyway -It was a great way to not think about crap and just relax! This song got me out of my rut yesterday. I love you music.

I heard the song below in the taxi today as I was going to get my Polio, Yellow fever and Typhoid shot for Nigeria. I'm just taking my job day by day. I wish there were more hours. People seem to not do the usual 9-5 here. The culture is stay as long as you can! I have yet to get used to it. At least I can say, I'm learning everday. Wow. Not profound. Don't get too excited lady. 

There is freedom within
there is freedom without
Try to catch a deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead 
many battles are lost
But you'll never see the end of the road
While you're traveling with me

So I'm still hopelessly trying to focus. I am getting better, It's just that starting is the hardest part. I need to make a start. I found out that I need to get 8 injections before going to Nigeria. Typhoid, Tetanus, Hepatitis A & B, Polio, Yellow fever - just to name a few! I am so excited for this (extreme sarcasm)!

This past saturday I had my first practice with this awesome acoustic guitarist I met. See cryptic post below :p I will post some songs we've done if any are worth posting. It's alot of fun. I finally have confidence to sing in public again! Right now it gives me something to do and it's a great way to de-stress. I feel so out of touch, and finally settling into my new life here. I hope I do well so I don't have to move. I am starting to really like it. My apartment is looking good too! I have to start getting into a bit of a routine now. I also need internet at home, or I will go stir crazy! ok back to work. Well I need to start work .....

This is a song I was introduced to recently. Will practice it this saturday :) Might put up our version if it sounds ok!

This weekend I move into my new apartment. I am running out of money, but that's because I am a douche. I also did not focus today. At all. Sometimes I don't know how this job will become a job. Anyway - I ventured into flirting today. Actually, I realized I suck at it, but it's possible. It's my year to focus. The only cute guy is leaving the office so I focus!! Take it as a sign lady. This song was on replay today ....

So i've just gotten half way through my second week in Dubai. I'm still at the hotel - waiting to move into my flat this weekend. I am pretty impressed with myself I secured a flat so quick! Hopefully all goes smoothly from here. My job still scares me, and I miss home. I miss my friends and I rarely find time to catch up properly with them. I avoid skyping because I get too homesick...well that's a lie. I skyped my dad this morning willingly. Anyway - besides the point, I seem to be adopting a british accent for some reason? I guess it's because the lady that's training me is British and she just sounds so mature and professional. Anything she says I believe as verifiable intellectual fact. I feel like I play a character everyday. It helps me get through I guess. But it's also kind of schitzo. My main thing is to be mysterious (which has been failing because I just look like a crazy grandma who doesn't want to do anything) and also a really respectable business woman. No one knows that I'm borderline insane here and immature, so I'm putting up a brave front.Fake it till you make it baby. 

Man I really can't seem to stop thinking in a british accent. It's creepy. So yes - I have many goals this year, and it's going to be tough. I need to organize myself super de duper well. I need to focus (more ) and I need to stop being a douche. I've natrually stopped spending time on facebook, and I have very little time to socialize and have a cry (although I slip here and there). I still need to stop trusting people. It's dangerous. 

Oh god I sound completely insane. I'm going to stop now.Here's Kings Of Leon. I forgot I liked them? Also - one of my least favourite concerts. 

What a night for a dance, you know I'm a dancing machine. 

With a fire in my bones, and the sweet taste of kerosene,

I get lost in the light, so high I don't wanna come down, 

To face the loss of the good thing that I had 

Slow down, you crazy child.
You're so ambitious for a juvenile.
But then if you're so smart, tell me why are you still so afraid?
Where's the fire? What's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out.
You got so much to do and only so many hours in a day.

Don't you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want or you can just get old?
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through.
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine.
You can't be everything you wanna be before your time,
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight, tonight.
Too bad, but it's the life you lead.
You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need.
Though you can see when you're wrong,
You know, you can't always see when you're right, you're right.

You've got your passion. You've got your pride,
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true.
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?