There is so much I want to write about, sing about, do a dance to, cry to - so I might post up several songs. I still feel like I am in a state of trance or hypnosis - just listening to songs and carrying on. Maybe its stress relief? Or maybe I am just willingly wasting opportunities. When I read back on the posts below, I realize I am at the place I most feared. I started with a strong sense determination. This strive for focus ....to make something out of myself. I feel like the years are passing, and I am just collecting more trades, and becoming a master at nothing. I thought I had found a career. I thought I had found my passion. I thought I had found love. Nothing in my life seems settled. But maybe it's because this is what I want? And I just have to accept - that my life is not going to go the typical, standard run of the mill Arabic path...I am this carefree spirit, I like to run wild and act on impulse - I know this. Yet I keep yearning to be this poised, polite quiet Arabic girl. I watch people get engaged in NZ. To guys who had approached me. Was that my fate? Or is this it? They are getting married, younger and younger. And I watch my parents get older and older. I just need to accept how I am. And how I function. This is how function, in the beautiful mess of chaos. In the whirlwind of uncertainty. It's fine to long for a family. A quiet life. Real love. A career path you are passionate about. But for now, exhaust your options. swallow and taste every little particle of opportunity and chance life throws at you. You are here for a reason. Don't look back.
These thoughts swam in my mind as I sat in taxi after taxi in the sweltering heat of Lagos, Nigeria. Yes I made it. I survived it. The people are wonderful, and it reminded me of my circle of friends back home. How we try to be all ghetto and African. Haha. One of my friends is African though, I remembered Shia alot. And Lada. And the secret. The Nigerians had a lot of swag too. It was impressive. Big bootys everywhere. I sat there and complained about the heat, as I watched people with missing limbs, even children carry pointless goods to try to make a buck or two as the cars waited in traffic. And I still sat there thinking how will I sell my product? How will they sell vegetables to standby cars - before sunset - so they can feed their family? And then old mind, the one that used to protest and worship human rights, that used to be enraged and cry when I saw things like this - my old mind that was trying to resurface, went elsewhere. I had become desensitized to poverty. Yes I felt blessed - but I also know this country. This is Iraq. This is not far from where I come. The poverty, the corruption, the harshness of life. So I cut my journey short. I mean, that wasn't the only reason - but I felt so alone, even though I was travelling with a colleague. He was so focused and experienced, and I felt out of my league. Completely. I hope I made some business, but we'll see. I also didn't want to spend my weekend there, and I didn't want to travel alone to another part of Nigeria next week. I was supposed to come back in 5 days, but think I worked hard and did alot in those 3 days. I am exhausted.
So I am back. In my flat. In Dubai. I might get in trouble for this - but meh.
So the song that describes Nigeria for me? like I said - I thought about my best friends back home, and when we discovered the song 'African Queen'. I did not realize it was Nigerias most famous! So here it is. Enjoy x (Ps. There are continuing posts below).
With regards to the boy - I am torn between faith, experience, temptation, and this state of numbness. I feel more realistic about boys now though. I am not giddy, or hopeful (well theres nothing to be hopeful about, hes a different religion). Hah. Religion. God. Heaven. Hell. Life. Please keep my seatbelt on as I go through this car ride. The universe is throwing at me everything I asked for, and I am just not learning how to juggle in this circus. I don't want to be the funny clown again. I want to juggle everything and wow myself, crowd or not. I want to wow myself. I am so hungry for experience. I mean I want to be more realistic. I want to enjoy my time, but not get attached like I used to. Maybe this whole thing will help me? I've met my share of frogs. Guys who just wanted one thing. I was so open with them. So transparent. So full on. Now I know better. Now I keep my guard up. I am staying realistic, and waiting for disappointment - or maybe a surprise. But not like how I was before. Hah. remember when I thought I was in love with the now guitar player? yeah. No. He's more right. Muslim, nice and doesn't lie. But I want to play with fire. Maybe I always have. I know how boys sugar coat and make shiny all those poisioned apples. I still want to see him? I have seen him alot since we've met. Maybe I'll see him again this evening. Before he travels. I am not trusting anything he says, but so far so good. There is a mutual understanding between us. For now we just enjoy each other's company and it will fizzle out soon perhaps. Ugh. whatever. Day by day. Just get on with life. It's not like I have a knight in shining armour waiting in the back ground. Anyway, everytime I think of what I am doing with all this - I remember last request by Paolo Nutini, and the part where he says "......sure I can accept that we're going nowhere,but one last time let's go there....lay down beside me". I think this describes perfectly how I feel here about the whole thing, so I don't know why I tried to justify everything above, heh. Enjoy x
Oh - and on the plane ride back (most boring 11 hours of my life - it was just waiting, and waiting and waiting). Anyway, on the way back I watched this doco on these guys called the Flying steps. They are break dancers who did a collaboration with a pianist (hehe funny word) who plays Bach, and it was their journey. It was amazing. I can't believe I just discovered them. It made me think so much about what I know I am missing. Passion for what I do - like I said, I know you should remove regret from your vocab, but sometimes I wonder - what If I had studied performing arts and Spanish like I had wanted? Where would I be now? I need creativity in my life. I know this. That's why I post here. That is why I sometimes sing. That is why I need to dance. Anyway - their success is one in a million I know. But what made it more fascinating, was that they are mainly made up of immigrants who had come to Germany. The leader is Lebanese, the rest are of Asian or Moroccan decent. Watch the clip below, its beautiful. I want to dance again! (which by the way is possible, I just have to do it - because as it turns out, right in front of work is a dance studio! Again - the universe has put in front of me everything I wanted, I just need to regain focus, and juggle). It's a long clip, but you must watch! Enjoy x
These thoughts swam in my mind as I sat in taxi after taxi in the sweltering heat of Lagos, Nigeria. Yes I made it. I survived it. The people are wonderful, and it reminded me of my circle of friends back home. How we try to be all ghetto and African. Haha. One of my friends is African though, I remembered Shia alot. And Lada. And the secret. The Nigerians had a lot of swag too. It was impressive. Big bootys everywhere. I sat there and complained about the heat, as I watched people with missing limbs, even children carry pointless goods to try to make a buck or two as the cars waited in traffic. And I still sat there thinking how will I sell my product? How will they sell vegetables to standby cars - before sunset - so they can feed their family? And then old mind, the one that used to protest and worship human rights, that used to be enraged and cry when I saw things like this - my old mind that was trying to resurface, went elsewhere. I had become desensitized to poverty. Yes I felt blessed - but I also know this country. This is Iraq. This is not far from where I come. The poverty, the corruption, the harshness of life. So I cut my journey short. I mean, that wasn't the only reason - but I felt so alone, even though I was travelling with a colleague. He was so focused and experienced, and I felt out of my league. Completely. I hope I made some business, but we'll see. I also didn't want to spend my weekend there, and I didn't want to travel alone to another part of Nigeria next week. I was supposed to come back in 5 days, but think I worked hard and did alot in those 3 days. I am exhausted.
So I am back. In my flat. In Dubai. I might get in trouble for this - but meh.
So the song that describes Nigeria for me? like I said - I thought about my best friends back home, and when we discovered the song 'African Queen'. I did not realize it was Nigerias most famous! So here it is. Enjoy x (Ps. There are continuing posts below).
With regards to the boy - I am torn between faith, experience, temptation, and this state of numbness. I feel more realistic about boys now though. I am not giddy, or hopeful (well theres nothing to be hopeful about, hes a different religion). Hah. Religion. God. Heaven. Hell. Life. Please keep my seatbelt on as I go through this car ride. The universe is throwing at me everything I asked for, and I am just not learning how to juggle in this circus. I don't want to be the funny clown again. I want to juggle everything and wow myself, crowd or not. I want to wow myself. I am so hungry for experience. I mean I want to be more realistic. I want to enjoy my time, but not get attached like I used to. Maybe this whole thing will help me? I've met my share of frogs. Guys who just wanted one thing. I was so open with them. So transparent. So full on. Now I know better. Now I keep my guard up. I am staying realistic, and waiting for disappointment - or maybe a surprise. But not like how I was before. Hah. remember when I thought I was in love with the now guitar player? yeah. No. He's more right. Muslim, nice and doesn't lie. But I want to play with fire. Maybe I always have. I know how boys sugar coat and make shiny all those poisioned apples. I still want to see him? I have seen him alot since we've met. Maybe I'll see him again this evening. Before he travels. I am not trusting anything he says, but so far so good. There is a mutual understanding between us. For now we just enjoy each other's company and it will fizzle out soon perhaps. Ugh. whatever. Day by day. Just get on with life. It's not like I have a knight in shining armour waiting in the back ground. Anyway, everytime I think of what I am doing with all this - I remember last request by Paolo Nutini, and the part where he says "......sure I can accept that we're going nowhere,but one last time let's go there....lay down beside me". I think this describes perfectly how I feel here about the whole thing, so I don't know why I tried to justify everything above, heh. Enjoy x
Oh - and on the plane ride back (most boring 11 hours of my life - it was just waiting, and waiting and waiting). Anyway, on the way back I watched this doco on these guys called the Flying steps. They are break dancers who did a collaboration with a pianist (hehe funny word) who plays Bach, and it was their journey. It was amazing. I can't believe I just discovered them. It made me think so much about what I know I am missing. Passion for what I do - like I said, I know you should remove regret from your vocab, but sometimes I wonder - what If I had studied performing arts and Spanish like I had wanted? Where would I be now? I need creativity in my life. I know this. That's why I post here. That is why I sometimes sing. That is why I need to dance. Anyway - their success is one in a million I know. But what made it more fascinating, was that they are mainly made up of immigrants who had come to Germany. The leader is Lebanese, the rest are of Asian or Moroccan decent. Watch the clip below, its beautiful. I want to dance again! (which by the way is possible, I just have to do it - because as it turns out, right in front of work is a dance studio! Again - the universe has put in front of me everything I wanted, I just need to regain focus, and juggle). It's a long clip, but you must watch! Enjoy x
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