ABUJA
It was hard to hold my tears back as I sat at the airport in Abuja, Nigeria - waiting to board my flight back to Lagos. I couldn't restrain the few that fell, so I tried to disguise the whole thing as the onset of a flu. A passerby would have thought I might have been sad to leave my loved ones, or a boyfriend, or my home behind.
Indeed my friends, you would know that my volatile state was not because of any of those things. In fact, It was because I was reading a text from my colleague - whom I share the region of Africa with. Whom I travelled with earlier in the year, on my first trip to Nigeria. I was trying to do it alone this time...but he had made a comment that morning, and I had taken out all of my stress on him. We had a huge misunderstanding, and I over reacted. He has been trying to help me - but I also felt like he was trying to compete with me...It didn't help that I feel so alone and paranoid of everyones motives at work. And that I woke up feeling a mix of loneliness, as I continued to travel alone - pride, that I had, and confusion as to what the hell I was doing here.
Don't get me wrong - I was pretty proud of myself for travelling to Nigeria alone. And then going to Abuja alone. And then meeting agents alone. I took it day by day, and just did not think beyond that. I remembered dad reminding me that If it's my time to go - I can't escape it, so I just trust in the bigger plan and get on with what I think I am "deciding". But I just did not feel comfortable being there at all. No matter how hard I try to push it away, I still feel so out of my depth in this role. In this country. I feel like I'm acting but when the scene is over, I don't know where to go. I'm only good on stage. I'm treating this job like a play. I just felt so stressed. I wanted to quit then and there. The combination of me trying to do this whole thing on my own, trying to make deals - with guys who resemble drug dealers, trying to sway parents to pay thousands of dollars to educate their kids overseas - all alone - just got to me. Who was I and who was I becoming?
After my little outburst - I regained temporary sanity. I snapped myself out of the mess my head likes to delve in from time to time.I remembered my mothers question this time: "if not this job then what? what will make you happy? is it the Job or you?" And I don't know. I couldn't answer. It's either I have not found what I am passionate about doing, or it just doesn't exist. And it's just me. My outlook. My intolerance for hard work.
So I said to myself for the millionth time - young girl, whatever this job is - You're gonna do it. You're going to try your best and see it through. With each hardship and challenge, I'm learning. Becoming stronger. Growing up. I need to keep my emotions out of the job - but I'm getting there. Head down - do your work. I guess this year,this beginning, this whole experience is stripping my naivety as it would bright paint on a wall. At times, I still see people - the world in its best form. In it's brightest colours. But now I know that I need to look beneath the paint. Be a little smarter, and instead of stripping myself bare all the time - allow my surroundings a chance to tell me something. And I'll never really know what that something is, unless I listen.
I digress. Let me track my journey for you, and perhaps the rant above will become a little clearer. So early Thurs dawn, my father dropped me to the airport as he was heading back to NZ on the same day. My flight was early that morning, and as I was getting on board - I heard the familiar twang of a fellow Kiwi. I turned around - and asked the good looking guy behind me if he was from New Zealand. A rare coincidence we thought - as we boarded a plane to Nigeria.
So I Landed in Lagos and bumped into said kiwi again, and a couple of his friends. They were engineers on business there. Found my luggage- after standing in the tedious mess of Nigerian customs, and said my goodbye to the guys. I met the driver - who took me to the domestic airport. By the by, getting money from the ATM is an adventure of it's own in Nigeria. Here I was this small girl, carrying a laptop, and Ipod - walking through an alleyway to get 40,000 Naira in Cash to pay for a flight and the driver. Jeez my heart was pounding away. Anyhow, bought my ticket - on a very budget airline....and held my breath and said my prayers as we took off.
I landed in Abuja, and actually liked it much more than Lagos. It is the political capital of Nigeria, and thus supposedly more dangerous and unstable, but I found it to be more calm and peaceful. The hotel I went to was a shocker. Lights kept going out and the water was murky - and I was in the executive suite! hah. I was roughing it alright. Anyway - to cut a long story short, I spent the next two days meeting agents and students. It was all a blur really. My favourite part of Abuja would have to be my driver friend Demi. Me and him cruised around listening to old school hip hop - and then yesterday, he even took me to the local markets. Talk about poverty galore. I bought a traditional dress with the help of a random lady we met on the street - God really watches out for me with the people he brings to my life. But anyway, I found out that I got totally ripped off at the market. heh.
Oh- And kiwi boy emailed. We've been exchanging emails, and it's quite random and semi formal - we'll see what that encounter was all about in due course I guess.
So all in all - to some up the beautiful mess that was Abuja, I would say I am really becoming a fan of silence. I still have not applied it - but at least I am getting there. Abuja also taught me resilience and it taught me alot about how to work hard. Most of my life i've been the type of person who gets by on luck. I never prepare - I just wing it. Well as time passes and age catches up with me, I see that luck's running out my friend.
I do remember when I was holding back my tears though, a little voice in my head saying 'just think of yourself as an old old lady - telling your grandkids about your travels to Africa, learning how to tie a head scarfe, and coming to contact with scary places,situations and people - yet still carrying on'.
And then the pessimist dean was all like "psshhh IF you have grandkids...and I was all like SHUT UP pessimist inner voice!".
Anyway - conclusion: I'm insane. I pray that my talking to myself is mereley just because I've been pretty much alone the past three days....
It was hard to hold my tears back as I sat at the airport in Abuja, Nigeria - waiting to board my flight back to Lagos. I couldn't restrain the few that fell, so I tried to disguise the whole thing as the onset of a flu. A passerby would have thought I might have been sad to leave my loved ones, or a boyfriend, or my home behind.
Indeed my friends, you would know that my volatile state was not because of any of those things. In fact, It was because I was reading a text from my colleague - whom I share the region of Africa with. Whom I travelled with earlier in the year, on my first trip to Nigeria. I was trying to do it alone this time...but he had made a comment that morning, and I had taken out all of my stress on him. We had a huge misunderstanding, and I over reacted. He has been trying to help me - but I also felt like he was trying to compete with me...It didn't help that I feel so alone and paranoid of everyones motives at work. And that I woke up feeling a mix of loneliness, as I continued to travel alone - pride, that I had, and confusion as to what the hell I was doing here.
Don't get me wrong - I was pretty proud of myself for travelling to Nigeria alone. And then going to Abuja alone. And then meeting agents alone. I took it day by day, and just did not think beyond that. I remembered dad reminding me that If it's my time to go - I can't escape it, so I just trust in the bigger plan and get on with what I think I am "deciding". But I just did not feel comfortable being there at all. No matter how hard I try to push it away, I still feel so out of my depth in this role. In this country. I feel like I'm acting but when the scene is over, I don't know where to go. I'm only good on stage. I'm treating this job like a play. I just felt so stressed. I wanted to quit then and there. The combination of me trying to do this whole thing on my own, trying to make deals - with guys who resemble drug dealers, trying to sway parents to pay thousands of dollars to educate their kids overseas - all alone - just got to me. Who was I and who was I becoming?
After my little outburst - I regained temporary sanity. I snapped myself out of the mess my head likes to delve in from time to time.I remembered my mothers question this time: "if not this job then what? what will make you happy? is it the Job or you?" And I don't know. I couldn't answer. It's either I have not found what I am passionate about doing, or it just doesn't exist. And it's just me. My outlook. My intolerance for hard work.
So I said to myself for the millionth time - young girl, whatever this job is - You're gonna do it. You're going to try your best and see it through. With each hardship and challenge, I'm learning. Becoming stronger. Growing up. I need to keep my emotions out of the job - but I'm getting there. Head down - do your work. I guess this year,this beginning, this whole experience is stripping my naivety as it would bright paint on a wall. At times, I still see people - the world in its best form. In it's brightest colours. But now I know that I need to look beneath the paint. Be a little smarter, and instead of stripping myself bare all the time - allow my surroundings a chance to tell me something. And I'll never really know what that something is, unless I listen.
I digress. Let me track my journey for you, and perhaps the rant above will become a little clearer. So early Thurs dawn, my father dropped me to the airport as he was heading back to NZ on the same day. My flight was early that morning, and as I was getting on board - I heard the familiar twang of a fellow Kiwi. I turned around - and asked the good looking guy behind me if he was from New Zealand. A rare coincidence we thought - as we boarded a plane to Nigeria.
So I Landed in Lagos and bumped into said kiwi again, and a couple of his friends. They were engineers on business there. Found my luggage- after standing in the tedious mess of Nigerian customs, and said my goodbye to the guys. I met the driver - who took me to the domestic airport. By the by, getting money from the ATM is an adventure of it's own in Nigeria. Here I was this small girl, carrying a laptop, and Ipod - walking through an alleyway to get 40,000 Naira in Cash to pay for a flight and the driver. Jeez my heart was pounding away. Anyhow, bought my ticket - on a very budget airline....and held my breath and said my prayers as we took off.
I landed in Abuja, and actually liked it much more than Lagos. It is the political capital of Nigeria, and thus supposedly more dangerous and unstable, but I found it to be more calm and peaceful. The hotel I went to was a shocker. Lights kept going out and the water was murky - and I was in the executive suite! hah. I was roughing it alright. Anyway - to cut a long story short, I spent the next two days meeting agents and students. It was all a blur really. My favourite part of Abuja would have to be my driver friend Demi. Me and him cruised around listening to old school hip hop - and then yesterday, he even took me to the local markets. Talk about poverty galore. I bought a traditional dress with the help of a random lady we met on the street - God really watches out for me with the people he brings to my life. But anyway, I found out that I got totally ripped off at the market. heh.
Oh- And kiwi boy emailed. We've been exchanging emails, and it's quite random and semi formal - we'll see what that encounter was all about in due course I guess.
So all in all - to some up the beautiful mess that was Abuja, I would say I am really becoming a fan of silence. I still have not applied it - but at least I am getting there. Abuja also taught me resilience and it taught me alot about how to work hard. Most of my life i've been the type of person who gets by on luck. I never prepare - I just wing it. Well as time passes and age catches up with me, I see that luck's running out my friend.
I do remember when I was holding back my tears though, a little voice in my head saying 'just think of yourself as an old old lady - telling your grandkids about your travels to Africa, learning how to tie a head scarfe, and coming to contact with scary places,situations and people - yet still carrying on'.
And then the pessimist dean was all like "psshhh IF you have grandkids...and I was all like SHUT UP pessimist inner voice!".
Anyway - conclusion: I'm insane. I pray that my talking to myself is mereley just because I've been pretty much alone the past three days....
As for a Soundtrack for the past few days? Some old school jay Z and Beyonce, Ja Rule and Ashanti- what I listened to as me and my new friend drove through Abuja.
No comments:
Post a Comment