A rose in Spanish Harlem

Truth is, i've run out of cities to escape to. 
And I've realized, I'll take myself wherever I go.
So this is as good a place as any to really start blooming. 

There is a rose in Spanish Harlem
A red rose up in Spanish Harlem

It is a special one, it's never seen the sun
It only comes out when the moon is on the run
And all the stars are gleaming
It's growing in the street right up through the concrete
But soft and sweet and dreaming

There is a rose in Spanish Harlem
A red rose up in Spanish Harlem

With eyes as black as coal that look down in his soul
And starts a fire there and then he loses control
I'm goin' to beg his pardon yeah

He's going to pick that rose 
And watch her as she grows in his garden

There is a rose in Spanish Harlem
A red rose up in Spanish Harlem

Sabotage of Babel

A step forward and then 200 back.
Babylon, right before an attack.
The cradle of civilization.
Off-track.  

My dear lost city, 
I'm the royalty, who makes herself a pauper -
I know if I could still hear you whisper you would tell me that it's a shame for a heron to break her own wings,
when everyone saw how far she could soar.

How many times did you crumble? 
Because I still bring myself down like rubble. 
Just to be on their level. 
I'm so scared to rise above and just be. 
I am too scared of where my focus will take me.
What silence will show me.

Like you - my reach for the sky is not linear. 
It is twisted and circular and dizziness always brings me doubt.
You're nothing like the sky scrapers that surround me. 

So many have eroded your steps- as you brought them inches closer to the heavens. 
I know you're tired. I know that you have more than your fair share of cracks. 
And sometimes the sun of Babel beats down on you so hard, you don't know how much longer you can point towards it. 


Scholars have studied you, artists have painted you - 
but we, your pillars have sabotaged you.


And you couldn't stop the Sabotage of Babylon. 
Because the sabotage has reached my mind, and my body.
The sabotage has reached my upbringing and my self respect.
I sabotaged my future and I sabotaged my present. 

Most of all I sabotage the present. 
No matter how far up I go, I always climb back down your steps.
In search of someone to hold my hand.
I bring it down a level always,
Because I'm too scared of what I'll see on my own. 

I feel you dear Babylon, as you look at your Herons now. 
Never knew how good they had it did they? 

Stay humble in your soul. 
Stay humble in your actions.  
Don't sabotage your presence. 
There is a reason you are still standing. 

'You could never have guessed, we were already blessed, where we are'.

I was making you, and myself wait for another amazing opportunity. Another one of my dreams to come true. Another job offer. You see - 3 weeks ago, I thought I had found my ideal job. A sign from god. The universe. It was everything I thought I wanted. My dream #334. I spent days writing my cover letter. It was amazing. I got a call back within hours of sending my CV. I went to one unorthodox interview (group interview), and made it to the second round. The second round was a volunteer meet up. It was there that a girl asked me what I did. I told her about my job. She said 'wow, that sounds Awesome! you're lucky you have a job and looking for employment. There's nothing out there. Can I send you my CV?' - and for once, instead of complaining,  I thought - yeah I'm pretty lucky aren't I?
I had putting everything on hold to hear back about that job. I just had to have it. I never wanted anything more in my life. I didn't do any work at my current job. Infact, I had already written my resignation letter. I was adamant i'd get it, and my life would change.

Until that night. I went home, talked to my best friend, who told me - woman, don't be negative. Stop complaining. You're already living the life of your dreams - you're just not realizing it. You want a happy life? Count your blessings & recognize how lucky you are. That's when your life will be 'happy'. Stop looking for a way out. Every job is hard at the beginning, everyone must struggle a little to get to where they want, and if you haven't - then it's probably not worth it.

I'm waiting for the third round, but I'm not holding my breath. Infact, i'm taking it easy and working hard. I'm inhaling the love, and exhaling the negativity. This is my dream life, and I'm still dreaming it forward. But now atleast I can differentiate from being just a lazy dreamer - to an idealistic do-er. So I toast again to patience, gratitude, family, income, friends & health. If I have all those, I have happiness. And so it is, that happiness I have. 

All the while we're living....music is always giving

Two new songs to keep you with me....

Carousel

Round and round I go. Feeling elated, feeling dizzy, feeling sick, feeling hopeful. I keep choosing to go round and round and round.

And I fail to see that not everyone is cheering me on. Not everyone is rooting for me, despite the frequency of my shouts, and the consistency of their words. Despite the randomness of my laughter. Most of the audience shares a sadistic pleausure in watching my head spin. Actually, most of the audience are middle-class citizens (as am I), who are the centre of their universe, and they just don't really care.
I can count on my hand the few that have genuinely wanted for me, the same happiness they wish upon themeselves. But I've had enough of looking at the external for answers. For solutions. For change. For happiness. It does not come from what other's say or do. It comes from me. The eye before the storm. In the real world, the music keeps playing long after the carousel has stopped.


And so it became, that round and round I went. When I stepped off into coherence, standing still and smiling, the world kept on spinning. And I finally had a sense of la vie en rose, that only comes from constantly reminding ourselves to enhale the air of gratitude which surrounds us. To just be. Freely. I took my first breathe, into my new life. And I did not regret, having circled around myself, having looked at myself inside out, from every angle. From every perspective. And I did not regret, having seen the world and both my significance and frailty in it.

I've never been afraid to paint with Awareness, Vulnerability, Despair & Doubt.
I mixed  them up in my pallete, because I knew one day the carousel I'm painting will be frozen as my very own masterpiece. Stopped for all time, and admired for it's quiet confidence. It's beautiful presence. Music still playing, between calm & chaos.

Here's to my few. The next two months is dedicated to you x