Round and round I go. Feeling elated, feeling dizzy, feeling sick, feeling hopeful. I keep choosing to go round and round and round.
And I fail to see that not everyone is cheering me on. Not everyone is rooting for me, despite the frequency of my shouts, and the consistency of their words. Despite the randomness of my laughter. Most of the audience shares a sadistic pleausure in watching my head spin. Actually, most of the audience are middle-class citizens (as am I), who are the centre of their universe, and they just don't really care.
I can count on my hand the few that have genuinely wanted for me, the same happiness they wish upon themeselves. But I've had enough of looking at the external for answers. For solutions. For change. For happiness. It does not come from what other's say or do. It comes from me. The eye before the storm. In the real world, the music keeps playing long after the carousel has stopped.
And so it became, that round and round I went. When I stepped off into coherence, standing still and smiling, the world kept on spinning. And I finally had a sense of la vie en rose, that only comes from constantly reminding ourselves to enhale the air of gratitude which surrounds us. To just be. Freely. I took my first breathe, into my new life. And I did not regret, having circled around myself, having looked at myself inside out, from every angle. From every perspective. And I did not regret, having seen the world and both my significance and frailty in it.
I've never been afraid to paint with Awareness, Vulnerability, Despair & Doubt.
I mixed them up in my pallete, because I knew one day the carousel I'm painting will be frozen as my very own masterpiece. Stopped for all time, and admired for it's quiet confidence. It's beautiful presence. Music still playing, between calm & chaos.
Here's to my few. The next two months is dedicated to you x
And I fail to see that not everyone is cheering me on. Not everyone is rooting for me, despite the frequency of my shouts, and the consistency of their words. Despite the randomness of my laughter. Most of the audience shares a sadistic pleausure in watching my head spin. Actually, most of the audience are middle-class citizens (as am I), who are the centre of their universe, and they just don't really care.
I can count on my hand the few that have genuinely wanted for me, the same happiness they wish upon themeselves. But I've had enough of looking at the external for answers. For solutions. For change. For happiness. It does not come from what other's say or do. It comes from me. The eye before the storm. In the real world, the music keeps playing long after the carousel has stopped.
And so it became, that round and round I went. When I stepped off into coherence, standing still and smiling, the world kept on spinning. And I finally had a sense of la vie en rose, that only comes from constantly reminding ourselves to enhale the air of gratitude which surrounds us. To just be. Freely. I took my first breathe, into my new life. And I did not regret, having circled around myself, having looked at myself inside out, from every angle. From every perspective. And I did not regret, having seen the world and both my significance and frailty in it.
I've never been afraid to paint with Awareness, Vulnerability, Despair & Doubt.
I mixed them up in my pallete, because I knew one day the carousel I'm painting will be frozen as my very own masterpiece. Stopped for all time, and admired for it's quiet confidence. It's beautiful presence. Music still playing, between calm & chaos.
Here's to my few. The next two months is dedicated to you x
No comments:
Post a Comment