Hibernate

 I wanna go south of the river, glacier slow in the heart of the winter. 
I wanna go south of the river, facing alone in the heart of the winter.

When I write in this blog, sometimes funny things happen. I came very close to destiny a few days ago. Fate and serendipity and love. But it was not mutual. It was not exclusive. It was a rare and unexpected connection with a young man. He was everything I thought I wanted. That meeting taught me a lot about how I sabotage myself, because as much as I say I want to be in love - I'm not ready for it just yet. For years I've focused on all the wrong things, and I've forgotten to live in the moment. I've forgotten gratitude and goal setting. I was consumed with the idea of love. The past two days fate gave me a glimpse of what might have been, and how unprepared I was to allow someone in. The insecurities, the rush and the need to handcuff any hint of love. It was emotionally fulfilling to be so open with him, yet so draining at the same time. I realised that I have to deal with the fact that I may never be your first, but you will be my first everything. I have to be ready to embrace that - to see that fact in a different light. God sends you these people - momentarily, for a while or forever - and time will tell you the difference.  It was deep. We talked about fear. I almost got real....but not quite. 

Application Generation

I long for the days when someone would see you across the room, and fall madly in love. Make an effort. Flash you a smile. Even walk across the room, entranced by your aura. Just to talk to you. Conversation. Connection. Seeping through your senses kind of elation. Not a temporary high. Not a disposable encounter. I long for the days when chivalry was alive. When men had standards. Are these just stories for movie scripts? Or was there a time in the past when love existed? When you didn't have wassap, or an Iphone, or Tinder or facebook. When you had to rely on the art of conversation. The whirlwind of wooing. When you felt like you were worth something. When passionate letters were exchanged and longing glances where immortalized. Nothing was as easy as the swipe of a finger, the click of a button, the facade of a text. I feel like it's finally time to stop wishing and waiting for an era long gone. 


It was a sad day when I let you go.
All naivety and desperation, out the window. 
It was a sad day when I finally shut the door.
When I finally picked up what was on the floor.

It was a tough morning when I dressed for myself.
When I made myself pretty for me and no one else. 
When I ate right, and thought right and returned to heart.
When I ran for my mind. 
And walked for my soul.
And you were still gone.
And I was still trying to balance hope and reality.
Oh the vanity.  

And it was agonizing to continue this way. 
To erase something that was only ever written with lead.
Sketched inside my head.
I was using the wrong stencil.
I sharpened the wrong pencil. 

It took longer than a while, patience tangled;
but I came home.
And I wasn't going to draw you again.
But the door was unlocked, and the ceiling shone. 
And you walked in -
Your best form.
Real and uninhibited.
And you saw love.
And it was unapologetic, and it was sure.
and it raised the bar and you weren't afraid.
Pull ups galore.
It wasn't double guessing.
Like a statute in a square. 
The war was over.
And I was there.