Most of the time, the person that puts me down the most - is myself. I am my biggest enemy - and this needs to stop. Maybe you are crazy - but it's better than ordinary. Better than manipulative. Better than serious. Maybe you are a try hard - but whats wrong with trying hard? Whats wrong with trying? Nothing. There is nothing wrong and you just need to be.

The scene below seems pretty morbid, but it makes me feel at peace. I love it. Best ending to amovie ever.

I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.

Homesickness has set in. I feel an intense cloud of dark blue and grey. I lost sight of my goal - and I became ungreatful again. I need a reminder. FOCUS ON TODAY. Focus on your family. FOCUS. Life is not fun. Life is a struggle, and I need to learn to struggle. I need to carve some sort of career. Succeed. It doesn't matter if I've sold my soul. Time to grow up. Suck it up and stick it out. I can go back to human rights. I can go back to law. I can go back to study. Focus. Save and be yourself. Don't complicate it. Work hard, then go home. Don't forget how you got here. Life can change in a moment.

I went on the canals in the old part of Dubai yesterday. Rented our own boat. Went with a male work collegue, which was kinda romantic but not really....anyway -It was a great way to not think about crap and just relax! This song got me out of my rut yesterday. I love you music.

I heard the song below in the taxi today as I was going to get my Polio, Yellow fever and Typhoid shot for Nigeria. I'm just taking my job day by day. I wish there were more hours. People seem to not do the usual 9-5 here. The culture is stay as long as you can! I have yet to get used to it. At least I can say, I'm learning everday. Wow. Not profound. Don't get too excited lady. 

There is freedom within
there is freedom without
Try to catch a deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead 
many battles are lost
But you'll never see the end of the road
While you're traveling with me

So I'm still hopelessly trying to focus. I am getting better, It's just that starting is the hardest part. I need to make a start. I found out that I need to get 8 injections before going to Nigeria. Typhoid, Tetanus, Hepatitis A & B, Polio, Yellow fever - just to name a few! I am so excited for this (extreme sarcasm)!

This past saturday I had my first practice with this awesome acoustic guitarist I met. See cryptic post below :p I will post some songs we've done if any are worth posting. It's alot of fun. I finally have confidence to sing in public again! Right now it gives me something to do and it's a great way to de-stress. I feel so out of touch, and finally settling into my new life here. I hope I do well so I don't have to move. I am starting to really like it. My apartment is looking good too! I have to start getting into a bit of a routine now. I also need internet at home, or I will go stir crazy! ok back to work. Well I need to start work .....

This is a song I was introduced to recently. Will practice it this saturday :) Might put up our version if it sounds ok!

This weekend I move into my new apartment. I am running out of money, but that's because I am a douche. I also did not focus today. At all. Sometimes I don't know how this job will become a job. Anyway - I ventured into flirting today. Actually, I realized I suck at it, but it's possible. It's my year to focus. The only cute guy is leaving the office so I focus!! Take it as a sign lady. This song was on replay today ....

So i've just gotten half way through my second week in Dubai. I'm still at the hotel - waiting to move into my flat this weekend. I am pretty impressed with myself I secured a flat so quick! Hopefully all goes smoothly from here. My job still scares me, and I miss home. I miss my friends and I rarely find time to catch up properly with them. I avoid skyping because I get too homesick...well that's a lie. I skyped my dad this morning willingly. Anyway - besides the point, I seem to be adopting a british accent for some reason? I guess it's because the lady that's training me is British and she just sounds so mature and professional. Anything she says I believe as verifiable intellectual fact. I feel like I play a character everyday. It helps me get through I guess. But it's also kind of schitzo. My main thing is to be mysterious (which has been failing because I just look like a crazy grandma who doesn't want to do anything) and also a really respectable business woman. No one knows that I'm borderline insane here and immature, so I'm putting up a brave front.Fake it till you make it baby. 

Man I really can't seem to stop thinking in a british accent. It's creepy. So yes - I have many goals this year, and it's going to be tough. I need to organize myself super de duper well. I need to focus (more ) and I need to stop being a douche. I've natrually stopped spending time on facebook, and I have very little time to socialize and have a cry (although I slip here and there). I still need to stop trusting people. It's dangerous. 

Oh god I sound completely insane. I'm going to stop now.Here's Kings Of Leon. I forgot I liked them? Also - one of my least favourite concerts. 

What a night for a dance, you know I'm a dancing machine. 

With a fire in my bones, and the sweet taste of kerosene,

I get lost in the light, so high I don't wanna come down, 

To face the loss of the good thing that I had 

Slow down, you crazy child.
You're so ambitious for a juvenile.
But then if you're so smart, tell me why are you still so afraid?
Where's the fire? What's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out.
You got so much to do and only so many hours in a day.

Don't you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want or you can just get old?
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through.
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine.
You can't be everything you wanna be before your time,
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight, tonight.
Too bad, but it's the life you lead.
You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need.
Though you can see when you're wrong,
You know, you can't always see when you're right, you're right.

You've got your passion. You've got your pride,
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true.
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

In a few years time, would we talk about yesterday to all our friends? Am I just counting my chickens before they hatch again? It's been a long time since I felt comfortable talking to someone, being myself, smiling from the inside.  Maybe I made a new friend. Maybe I just found a shared passion for music, or maybe yesterday was it. Whatever it was - I want to thank you music, thank you universe, thank you fate for creating an opportunity of a lifetime. Thank you Esperanza Spalding. I was so wrong. Dreamin' ain't for fools. I'm sorry if this is cryptic - but all will be revealed in due course I hope. I am just leaving it to destiny. 

Damn. Writing on this back to front keyboard again. Don't know how to  change it. Well I guess its my own personal indication that I'm in the Middle East. Maybe this is the right way round? And I'd been doing things back to front my whole life?
So anyway I've landed in Dubai. Well I landed 3 days ago. January 6th to be exact. The busiest 3 days of my life. I want it to be like this for a while. It helps me focus and not think about stupid crap. I've been put in the holiday inn (cue chingy)..it's a pretty great place so far. I love the people I'm working with. The office is young, multicultural and lively. Oh and no big deal, but I forgot to mention that on the 29th of Jan 2012 I went white water rafting (at the kind persistance of my friend) and I loved it! I'm not much of a daredevil - but it was awesome.

I've been pretty jet lagged the past couple of days. Oh here we go! just figured out how to make it the right way round. Well, the way I'm used to (apologies Babylonian ancestors, I am sure that right to left is the correct way round). Anyway - yea, pretty jet lagged. Woke up today at 4am. GAH. Searched ways to help me sleep (curl your toes). I'm gona get into music this year. It's amazing how things just happen when you dream them and attract them to you. I am now the biggest believer in taking a chance, and really thinking your dreams into reality. 

I wrote this on the plane - hoping to transfer it onto here, and here I go:

(5th Jan 2013) --

I sat on the plane trying to eradicate any sign of regret from my brain. Like how I wished I had learnt to play the piano. Or if I had studied performing arts. Or worked in film. Or became a teacher. I guess fear breeds regret. I'm scared. I'm scared of this role, and as usual looking for a way out. But I'll give it my best shot this time. 

Can't believe i've just boarded a plane to start a new life in Dubai. If you had shown me a crystal ball with this prediction I would have laughed in your face. The journey on Korean air (where I was repeatedly called 'sir'), made me think alot about how my parents would have felt on the plane ride from Libya to NZ to start our new life some 17 years ago. I can't remember the exact day or date - but I do remember our humble beginnings at the cedar park motor lodge. Then our move to Manurewa, then Takanini, back to Manurewa, then East Tamaki. Then I went off to Toledo, back to Auckland, then Wellington, and now Dubai. 

Since I am now in the business of selling a school, I also wondered if life smiled and winked that day when I moved from Manurewa High to Auckland Girls. Or when I got into law (after a huge failure). Did I suppress my real passions or was I just following your plan sweet destiny? Cheeky little life. 

At least I feel happier and more confident in who I am the older I get. In terms of emotions, it was strange. But it always hits me 1 month later. Well no - I guess it depends. I cried, but I also felt no attachment to NZ anymore. There was a moment when I even forgot I had a brother. And then I remembered the day he was born and it was the most beautiful memory. I have a little brother. 

And then I remembered why I was on the this plane in the first place. Not only did I feel like I had exhausted my options in NZ in every sense, and lets leave out the beautiful opportunity this whole thing was - I went back to my goal. My mantra for the year. FOCUS. If ever there was a moment I could make my parents happy, it was this year. My dads words will ring in my ear, I want them to burn the sides of my head. FOCUS on the right things. Make something of yourself kid. Regret is just a hidden wish waiting to come true. 


Ok well this whole thing is in arabic and wont let me put a song on - so this will just be an entry. Here's an old pic I found on this comp I shall use. 

This is it. UNDERLINE IT. 2013. Your new chance. Grab it like it's your last. Life has given you every opportunity to change. TAKE IT like it will never come again. It's like I suddenly just saw the answer. FOCUS.two.more.days. Time to so say bye to your old ways. Suddenly I see - This is how I want to be. 

For my Nidal & Hilal. 
The stroms are raging on the rolling seas - and on that highway of regret. The winds of change are blowing wild and free, you aint seen nothing like me yet.