I try my hardest to wake up everyday with a sense of purpose, a motivation to commit my energy to something. Trying to invest my minutes to create something productive. It's conscious, and I consciously waste time. Even coming on this blog, to write this. During work. I looked at myself in the mirror today. Not like a passing glance because it's all too familiar. No. I really looked at myself. The age old question popped up again. How did I get here? Did I merely follow destiny's plan, or did I make a decision - so bad and ill thought that changed the course of my life to bring me here? And if I did steer myself away from destiny, and delayed the work of fate - (a contradictory statement), when will I finally come back to the right path again? Did I actually take the right path? What am I missing that makes me feel this way? Am I, as Plato proclaimed, forever in limbo until I find my other half? Am I missing excercise, the right career? or is it just pure gratitude that I lack? Gratitude. Yes. Find something to be greatful for wherever you find yourself inhaling in full health. This needs to be your daily practice.


I stare at my computer screen at home, and my background reads: 'the happiness of your life, depends on the quality of your thoughts'. I need this. I need distance - from pointless talking, from this incessant need to always say something. Is this my personality? Yes - be myself - for those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter. But still, I come home and wonder -who am I? *flashback to Les miserables scene, where he sings who Am I*. I only ask that question when I know I haven't been myself. I need to be myself. Without excuses, without acting, without pretending. Just be who you are - you know what you want, and you know what's good for you.

Anyway - that is as much as my philospher wannabe brain can spew out this morning. I have no motivation for this job. I have regret for the way I behaved in the first few days. Let us leave it at that, listen to India Arie who always has the right answers, and get on with the day.