strength

noun

1.

the quality or state of being strong; bodily or muscular power; vigor.

2.

mental power, force, or vigor.

3.

moral power, firmness, or courage.

4.

power by reason of influence, authority, resources, numbers, etc.

5.

number, as of personnel or ships in a force or body: a regiment with a strength of 3000.

Today was a horrible day at work. But I am numb. I don't know if it's a sign of growing up, or giving up. I don't feel sad or happy, I am just getting on with things. Tomorrow I am going to the Embassy of Nigeria to get my visa. My brain is trying to hold on to any fibre of coherency or consistency or motivation. Today I thought F**k it. If they fire me, they fire me - another chapter in my life. If they don't, well i'll try to get on with things as best as I can. In the meantime, there are tears, and pointless changing of pictures on facebook, just to give me something else to think about. And in between eating really bad Pasta (note to self: never eat pasta for lunch again!) there is random singing and day dreaming - mainly making up videos to songs in my head. There is the feeling of nausea, mixed in with the euphoria of hope. There is today. But, and I am scared to admit this - there is also a very, very strange feeling that at any moment - there might not be a tomorrow. That thought gives me a welcome sense calmness. A pleasant acceptance. I think about lady justice and her scales, as she helplessly battles to balance with the weight of the world. On one side she must have un-ventured cities, un-discoverd lovers, un-conditional trust, animals and laughter and water and music. On the other - there is money and worry. pointless, heavy worry. and war. And betrayal. There is imagined crime and paranoia and hypochondria. There is failure. There are images of that pasta I ate for lunch, and the bloatedness of my stomach afterwards. Then she remembers that shes in the middle! And she's in control. She creates all the rules for her soul to follow. For her hands to balance. With choice. She knows that despite the swaying and the ups and downs, the scales wont kill her, they will only make her stronger. .. And lady justice smiles, in the middle, all alone. And the scales begin to stabilize. Because she knows that when all the shit is over - when she really thinks about what matters- it really is a wonderful world ...