The days have finally come when I stop wishing and wanting,and have instead just started doing & appreciating what I already have. My days are now filled with hard work, gym and exercise, cooking my own food, saving money and trying my hardest not to spend on crap. I will write from time to time - but the next time I write, be sure that it's about the change I've sought for so long, and the goals I've finally achieved. 

Here's to ticking off the bucket list. I've got alot to get through before coming back 'home'. I've got to find home here first. I can feel it. Here's to always being yourself. Doing what makes you happy, and what makes the world a little happier. Here's to rising unfailingly with the sun - even if you can't see it, be sure it always wakes up to greet someone, somewhere x

Well, my eyes are full of stars
But I just can't reach 'em... oh, how high they are
I got to believe what I'm seeing - ooh, maybe it could come true
But in a modern world that can be so hard to do

I feel so homesick
Where's my home
Where I belong
Where I was born
I was told to go
Where the wind would blow
And it blows away - away

I wake up
Rise to the sun
I go to work
And I come back home
I wake up
Rise to the sun
I go to work
And I come back home

Come back home

Retrospective post once again (for May 13th). Thank you universe for giving us the master blaster - Mr. Stevie Wonder. I've said it before, and I'll say it again - you make my days brighter, and my load a little lighter. I love the love you bring to the world. Happy birthday x

Let it out. Let it all unravel, and it can be a path on which to travel.........

My life seems a blur when I think back on it. I've done so much and have met so many people that its hard to cement a memory. It makes me sad sometimes. I haven't written in a while because I've been sick. I've been trying to find a temporary high and it's making me go round in circles. I'm still selling myself short. With work, boys and friends. This needs to stop. It's time to just be myself. If you don't like it, don't do it. If you don't want it, don't take it. Get ready for authenticity.Don't speak just for the sake of speaking. Just be yourself. Anyway that you want to. Anyway that you can x

Trying a dose of positivity everyday. Trying to smile. Trying to shrug things off. Take it easy. Trying to eat healthy, and be healthy. But I still want love. All for me. Everything else seems pointless, and sometimes the loneliness makes me breakdown. Its hard to stay consistent, but that's what I'm trying to do. I know what's right, and I know that patience is a virtue - but I've been patient enough. And sometimes life's not fair. Some people do get it all, and they don't show an ounce of gratitude. Or good will. Bitter. I don't want to be bitter. 

I feel this way everytime I almost do something. It's hard trying to be something else when you know what you like and what you want and you're just not able to do it. You're not able to get it. 

Time is still on my side, and this world is offering a crazy ass ride. I'll stay onboard. 

I feel it's fallin' down, I know I'll catch it

You crazy world, crazy world, yeah

I feel real passionate

You feel the sun comes down

I'll make it shine, yeah

You crazy world, crazy world yeah

I can see your fear 'cause

This world ain't simple

But I'm strong, I know how to stay out

And I'll find my way 'cause

'Cause it's love, it's love, it's love, it's love, it's loving yeah

I'll make this quick because I have a bug infestation in the house and I need to sort it out very quickly tomorrow. I am getting eaten alive, and my landlord won't answer which pisses me off - but this will be fixed. I'm calling a company tomorrow to spray the house.

In other news, I had a wonderful weekend. Went to the concert on Friday, then went on a Yacht the next day and had a swim. It was one of the best things I did in Dubai! 

My favourite part of the concert was probably when we (random swedish & french guy I ment, and my friend from work) - got out the taxi to save time and decided to walk (traffic jam), only to be told that the tunnel was blocked. It was 20 mins to the concert and we freaked out because we had to catch another taxi, and they were all occupied. Finally, the swedish guy asked this random guy in a car if he would take us to Atlantis - and the guy agreed. When we got into the car - the man was playing the sweetest music! Ottis Redding, Nina Simone, the Smiths. He was awesome! this was the last song he played as he dropped us off! My fave memory because it reminded me of the kindness of fellow humans, and also the beautiful randomness of life! xxx

The power of positive energy never fails to amaze me. Yesterday, I did not complain. Not once. I worked hard. I didn't go on facebook. It was amazing. I did well in work. I was planning the next 5 months and I got excited. This morning I met my lovely friend, she was away on holiday. Probably the only friend I can trust and really be myself around here. I got so caught up with my crap I forgot that small fact. When you count your blessings, you are just so much happier. Today's goal - no complaining again, smile, be yourself and have no expectations. 

Going to David Guetta concert and feeling good :) 

Life is good and I am so blessed :) I'm sure it is the same for you  friends. Just remember to look at the good in everyday. That's my goal for the month of May. Ooh yeah! I Rhymed! 

In honour of the concert tonight x

Happy New Year: 

Two has always been my favourite number. Maybe it's because everything seems better in pairs. Or maybe it's because February is my favourite month, or maybe I just love second chances. This is why I usually try to start a diet on the 2nd, or change my life on the 2nd, or tell myself I'm going to have a good day on the 2nd. Well, whatever sign or bullshit I came up with in the past - isn't working anymore. As my wonderful Jenn would say, stop looking for signs. Today is already the second day of May. It's nearly half of 2013, according to numbers and calenders worked out soon after life's conception. But I don't want today to be just another day in the calender. It's not just any other day. It's such an important day, like tomorrow will be.  It's as important as I make it. As accomplished and productive as I make it. I've reached the end of the road with my indecisiveness. My ungratefulness. My attitude to life, and my laziness.  For the past three years I chose the road less travelled, I made my choice and then I regretted it. Complained about it. Yes Spain brought me out of my comfort zone.It was amazing, it made me lose a part of myself. Yes Wellington was difficult, and it was most probably one of my worst years as I tried to find myself. For the most part, all I remember from Wellington is feeling lost and struggling - but I also remember lots of lessons, and I don't want those lessons to go to waste here. In Dubai. I'm in a different place, but I don't want to take the same problems with me, every time I go to a different city. 

So here it is. Every post before this was me dissecting myself, trying to find myself, and making affirmations to change- then never really doing it. From here on, things will be different. Because here's what I do have. I have my health - I have every opportunity to improve it. I have money coming in every month - some of which I can save, I can spend on being healthy and I can really value. I have my family and close friends who still call me, and love me. I don't have a partner - in the form of a man, and maybe this is why I feel so down sometimes, but what if this knight never comes along? What if he comes along briefly and I lose him? It's all the same in the end. I will only have myself. For now, I have an apartment all to myself. I have time to myself - no one pulling me in any direction. I came here to be alone, to focus on me and figure out exactly what it is I want to do - so let me use this time wisely, and not complain about feeling so alone. There is no better place, and no better time. I give myself till September to re-evaluate my life, and by then - I want to come to a better decision. I need goals. Without them - I am and will continue to be lost. This is why I stayed up last night and made the vision board below: 

I want to picture all the best things in me. In my life. I want to have more days of better than worse. I want Love in all it's forms, starting with myself and emanating out to my family and friends. I want to be me always, and I want to be a bride, in time. I am not invincible, but I want to be pretty damn close. I want Abs and I'm going to get that stomach. I want to spread joy, because I know that is how I will get it. I want to fight for my life, because It is a gift. It is a privilege, not a right. I want to save money. I want to value money.  I Do TRY everyday - but more than that I just want to DO. I want to be forward thinking. Like a cyclist racing, or a runner running, or a swimmer swimming, I just want to look forward. Think positively about what is ahead of me, and just DO. No looking back. And then...then maybe find a new job. Or maybe by then - I won't need to. Because it won't be my job that gets to me. My year starts today. 

To achieve my overall goal for the year, lets start with my daily goals for the month of May - I will write down at the end of each day the things I've done better that day, the small changes I've made. No more looking down at a black hole. From here on, the only way is up.

I watch your spirit break
As it shatters into a million pieces
Just like glass I see right through you
And your parade of excuses
Feels like groundhog day
You say the same things over and over
There's that look in your eye
And I hear that crashing sound
As it all falls down

It's never too late to turn it back around
Yeah I know you can
Don't bury your demons deep in the ground
When it all falls down
The only way is up, up, up
The only way is up, up