You know I've been here before. And I've begged and I've prayed and I've asked God and the universe to give me a chance. And then I was blessed and happy and full of life and hope, and then I got self centred and selfish. Spoilt and angry and I no longer wanted what I begged for. What I prayed for. 

Because I never really knew what I wanted in the first place. I didn't know what I was asking for. I just wanted decisions to be made for me. I wanted to live in a dream world where everything is meant to be and I'm just following destiny. And maybe that's the case, and my decisions have been a mix of both, which is why I am here again, taking a job that's bigger than me, without thinking it through. Then I don't push myself far enough. I sell myself short. But that's because I soon realize it is not my passion. But I continue, after all - I've always gotten by on charm. And then I look for the next big thing. But I forget about the best and just take the next first thing that comes my way. Without thought. 

That's the past. And i'm finally looking forward to the future. Because good or bad -  every person, every moment, every city i've lived in, every emotion i've expressed, every idea i've had - has led me to where I am today. And I know my time is coming. 

Maybe what I'm about to do is impossible. Maybe my story wont end the way this video does, like so many of the contestants on the sideline....but I'm going to compete. 

Regardless of the decision I've made, and regardless of the city i've escaped to - god has blessed me with amazing people. 

I know what I'm destined for. I saw it, and I'm going for it. And if it doesn't happen, at least I know now what I want. What I need. And when you know that, when you really truly figure that out. It becomes your obsession, your magnet. And you fight for it. You really sweat for it. And cry for it. I'm fighting for this opportunity. Universe please put me right this time. I've learnt my lesson, and I'm done talking. I'm done thinking. I just want to start doing what I love. I'll do my part, and i'll leave the rest up to you. Let me get back to believing that nothing is impossible.

Think outside your head.

Always Do Your Best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
Miguel Angel Ruiz 


I'm currently sharing my house with two cats. As if I didn't feel like a crazy lady already. heh. I have also just returned from a job interview where I was rejected. But it was the fuel. The fuel to the fire. 

And you still want to cry and blame fate because you haven't tried your best. And you know it. You're in a bad position, but you're selling yourself short. You build or destroy your life with your mind. Your attitude. Where there is a will, there is a way. There is a way. Where there is gratitude, there is hope. Where there is hope - there is a beautiful world. 

It's a fine day
Just escaped from a bad dream
Asking what's the use of figuring it all out? 
I'm not starting again
Just continuing the same
Asking what's the use of figuring it all out? 

I'm a question mark
A walking talking question mark
I'm a question mark
A walking talking question mark
I'm a question mark
A walking talking question mark

But what is the question again? 
Ooohhhhwah
What's the use of figuring it all out? 

I guess a man alone
Always talks too much
Can't start again
So he's just continuing the same
Asking what's the use? 

What's the use? 
What's the use? 
What's the use? 

Now we know where we're going
And who we are
Doesn't seem to get us
Too far
'Cause everything else is still a mystery
And that mystery is

LIFE
I just wanna live

Life may be sad sometimes but it's always beautiful
Life may be sad sometimes but it's always beautiful
Life may be sad sometimes but
But it's always a question mark

Get up.

Let me tell you something you already know.
The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. 
It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.
You, me or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life.
But it ain't about how hard you hit.
It's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward.
How much you can take, and keep moving forward.
Thats how winning is done.

Pain is temporary. It may last for a minute, or an hour or a day, or even a year. But eventually it will subside, and something else will take it's place. If I quit however, it will last forever.

You gotta dream? You gotta protect it. 
People can't do something themselves, they tell you YOU can't do it.
If you want something, go get it. Period. 

Don't be afraid to fail. You can't always win, but don't be afraid of making decisions. 

Most of you say you want to be successful, but you don't want it bad.You just kinda want it.

You don't want it as bad as you wanna party, you don't want it bad as you wanna be cool. Most of you don't want success as much as you wanna sleep!

Deep down. Deep, deep down - ask yourselves. Who do you want to be?
Figuring out for yourselves what makes you happy. No matter how crazy it may sound to the people. MAKE A CHOICE. Like, just DECIDE what it's going to be, who you're going to be, and how you're gonna do it. JUST DECIDE.

Get up. And don't ever give up. 

Don't cry to give up - cry to keep going!
Don't cry to quit! you're already in pain, you're already hurt, get a reward from it. 

Limbo

Here I am again. Trying to navigate myself away from the storm of self loathing and the shores of self pity. And the shore seems so inviting. I just want to lie on the sand and get a tan and let the sweet sun hit my face in my perfect body. Just lying there breathing the crisp salty air. Happy. Just say it, come on. Just swim towards defeat. Cause don't givin' up look so sweet? This isn't the job for you. You aren't cut out for this. You are not sales. You are a humanitarian. You studied law! What are you doing here? Just give up and find what you truly love doing. Dad can assist you financially. Till you find the next job. And there you will find love I'm sure. And happiness. Whatever that is.

You don't need to pay these bills and save for your student loan, and be broke at the end of each month. It can wait - quit and do what you love. Just do it!

But I did work in law? Last year infact. I did do human rights. And I gave that up too when the going got tough. I decided that I want an international career. I don't want to be in NZ. I want to work for a big company for once. Dress up, travel. And opportunity came-a-knockin'. And I answered the door and took my shiny new business partner in with a big hug. I had so much hope.

So why have I not stopped crying today? On the plane back from Amman, in the taxi home, on my way to work, on my way back from work. 

Have I just lost my parents? Am I fighting a debilitating illness? Am I poor? Am I a refugee? none of that. I'm here in Dubai, where pain is relative and I am for now the centre of my universe. Still looking for easy distractions. When no one gives any attention to my moans and complaints, I run home crying. Who wants to listen anymore? Not even myself. Because i've got to decide. I've got to make a decision. Give up, or keep going. WHAT AM I FIGHTING FOR?  

Nothing. 

I'm fighting for nothing. If this is do or die, if not going to work meant I would not eat for a week. If I took a vow of silence in order to help cure cancer, or had to cross a desert just to hydrate my dying son - would I have clasped my head in my hands, held back my tears and walked out of work so easily today? Or would I have just walked on. Given it all I had. I made a mistake - maybe in taking this job. Maybe in doing my job. I made a mistake. And this is business baby, no one gives a shit and you will get the blame. People are vicious, they will blame you for shit just to make themselves look like shining stars. The more naive you are, the bigger bites they will take. And lucky for them I'm 80% naivety. Your manager will put you down and you will be so consumed with this because right now, it's the end of the world. Succeeding in this job or failing - is occupying my entire world. Turning my hair grey. It's making me depressed. My bones ache. I'm stuck in mud. And I'm not willing to take of my shoes and get out. 

When will I stop calling my dad? Reminding him that I have failed, and waiting for him to tell me no. I just want to convince him that I have failed, so that he can tell me leave my job. Which he has. He is my pillar and I am the shaking ground. My dad - who after studying and practising medicine for 15 years, becoming the best in his field, came to NZ and worked at a petrol station pumping gas and washing windows. Dr. Hilal- who didn't have a car in Libya, because he spent the money to enrol me into a private school, instead of buying one- stopped and begged a kind stranger on a desert highway, to take us to my first day of school. 


All these tears, and all these tantrums and all these fears because I stuffed something up at work? Because work is not this fun little hub? Because at 27 I'm still single and no one is interested? All this for that?  

I know a huge part of it is because I'm still trying to get to this life I see in my dreams...where I am so much bigger than this. And this is all part of the plan. This is all part of the journey and one day I'll be this person I see in my head. One day, I will thank the heavens for giving me a day like this. A day where I thought life beat me so bad - I couldn't even get out of bed. 

I'm not even going to write about the fact that my recent trip to Jordan was probably the last time I saw my grandma. Or my uncle and aunties in one place for a while. How would my life have turned out if I had grown up in my country? With my cousins? With my grandparents? We all have something missing in our lives I guess. 

Embrace the mistakes and move on. CHANGE. Progress. MOVE ON.

On the way back from Jordan on the plane, this song came on as soon as I put on the headphones. It is an old Arabic song, Efrah ya Alby, that played in Cairo at night. It translates to - 'get happy, my heart'. 

On Sufism

The past few days have been filled with music, both in the form of introduction and elation. They were filled with random encounters and random events resulting out of boredom. Yesterday we had no water in the building the whole day. It really makes you appreciate the little big things you take for granted. Water.

I also read this - http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/31-great-quotes-about-being-in-your-20s/

And really, truly, finally realized, that I am not alone in my thoughts. When you realize that you are a tiny tiny part of the bigger picture, that life is for the most part about making the most of this little space you hold on earth, then really - everything will be ok. It's easy to get consumed by the minuscule problems you make for yourself, especially when all is relative; and it's hard to just let go and let live. But that's the solution. Staring you right in the face everyday. There are days like this where I can't wait to wake up and live life, and I feel like I have so much to do, and so much to learn. 

I'm currently reading 'The 40 rules of Love' by Elif Shafak. Page 73 introduced me to one of the rules yesterday: ' Whatever happens in your life, no matter how troubling things might seem, do not enter the neighbourhood of despair. Even when all the doors remain closed, God will open up a new path only for you. Be thankful! It is easy to be thankful when all is well. A Sufi is thankful not only for what he has been given, but also for all that he has been denied'. In the plethora of my endless thoughts and worries, this made so much sense.

I am an island underneath the setting sun

In an ocean that is churning

For all I know there might be nobody nearby

Still, the world, it keeps on turning

And when that sun goes down

It gets brighter in my heart somehow

I don't know why this is

But it's what I want to know

Sometimes we start over

And go solo

We're looking for

That summer home

Beside the sea

And for the future

Relapse

Not sure if I'm actually still falling, or I'm just finally walking on? Whatever it is, this isn't me yet, I know it. This isn't where I'm going to stay, as much as I want to grow up and just be - at the end of the day I can't chain my free spirit, I was a gypsy back then, and I'm at it again. And yeah this song I'm listening to right now is about alcoholism, but I feel like I've been relapsing like an Alcoholic for the past 3 years too. Complaining is my alcohol though, and I never seem to be able to empty the bottle. My addiction to never finishing something and just running away is clouding me. I have so much energy and love to give, and I don't know where the hell to plant it. Am I justified in my complaints, or do I just try to justify my lack of discipline by complaining? Shit who knows, I haven't written in so long - but maybe I need to keep relapsing until it really finally washes out of me. Until life sobers me up.  

And will they think that everything that I've written has all been fake

Or will I just take my slip to the grave

and what the fuck are my parents gonna say?

The success story that got this life together and changed

And you know what pain looks like

When you tell your dad you relapsed then look him directly into his face

The seat on your shoulder’s are seemingly heavy weight

I’ve been seeing tears like this on my girl

In a while the trust that I once built’s been betrayed

But I’d rather live telling the truth than be judged for my mistakes

The falsely held up, given props, loved and praised

I guess I gotta get this on the page

Feeling sick and helpless, lost the compass where self is

I know what I gotta do and I can’t help it

One day at a time is what they tell us

Now I gotta find a way to tell them

God help ‘em

One day at a time is what they tell us

Now I gotta find a way to tell them

We fell so hard

Now we gotta get back what we lost.. lost..

I felt you’d go

But you were with me all along.. along..