Limbo
Here I am again. Trying to navigate myself away from the storm of self loathing and the shores of self pity. And the shore seems so inviting. I just want to lie on the sand and get a tan and let the sweet sun hit my face in my perfect body. Just lying there breathing the crisp salty air. Happy. Just say it, come on. Just swim towards defeat. Cause don't givin' up look so sweet? This isn't the job for you. You aren't cut out for this. You are not sales. You are a humanitarian. You studied law! What are you doing here? Just give up and find what you truly love doing. Dad can assist you financially. Till you find the next job. And there you will find love I'm sure. And happiness. Whatever that is.
You don't need to pay these bills and save for your student loan, and be broke at the end of each month. It can wait - quit and do what you love. Just do it!
But I did work in law? Last year infact. I did do human rights. And I gave that up too when the going got tough. I decided that I want an international career. I don't want to be in NZ. I want to work for a big company for once. Dress up, travel. And opportunity came-a-knockin'. And I answered the door and took my shiny new business partner in with a big hug. I had so much hope.
So why have I not stopped crying today? On the plane back from Amman, in the taxi home, on my way to work, on my way back from work.
Have I just lost my parents? Am I fighting a debilitating illness? Am I poor? Am I a refugee? none of that. I'm here in Dubai, where pain is relative and I am for now the centre of my universe. Still looking for easy distractions. When no one gives any attention to my moans and complaints, I run home crying. Who wants to listen anymore? Not even myself. Because i've got to decide. I've got to make a decision. Give up, or keep going. WHAT AM I FIGHTING FOR?
Nothing.
I'm fighting for nothing. If this is do or die, if not going to work meant I would not eat for a week. If I took a vow of silence in order to help cure cancer, or had to cross a desert just to hydrate my dying son - would I have clasped my head in my hands, held back my tears and walked out of work so easily today? Or would I have just walked on. Given it all I had. I made a mistake - maybe in taking this job. Maybe in doing my job. I made a mistake. And this is business baby, no one gives a shit and you will get the blame. People are vicious, they will blame you for shit just to make themselves look like shining stars. The more naive you are, the bigger bites they will take. And lucky for them I'm 80% naivety. Your manager will put you down and you will be so consumed with this because right now, it's the end of the world. Succeeding in this job or failing - is occupying my entire world. Turning my hair grey. It's making me depressed. My bones ache. I'm stuck in mud. And I'm not willing to take of my shoes and get out.
When will I stop calling my dad? Reminding him that I have failed, and waiting for him to tell me no. I just want to convince him that I have failed, so that he can tell me leave my job. Which he has. He is my pillar and I am the shaking ground. My dad - who after studying and practising medicine for 15 years, becoming the best in his field, came to NZ and worked at a petrol station pumping gas and washing windows. Dr. Hilal- who didn't have a car in Libya, because he spent the money to enrol me into a private school, instead of buying one- stopped and begged a kind stranger on a desert highway, to take us to my first day of school.
All these tears, and all these tantrums and all these fears because I stuffed something up at work? Because work is not this fun little hub? Because at 27 I'm still single and no one is interested? All this for that?
I know a huge part of it is because I'm still trying to get to this life I see in my dreams...where I am so much bigger than this. And this is all part of the plan. This is all part of the journey and one day I'll be this person I see in my head. One day, I will thank the heavens for giving me a day like this. A day where I thought life beat me so bad - I couldn't even get out of bed.
I'm not even going to write about the fact that my recent trip to Jordan was probably the last time I saw my grandma. Or my uncle and aunties in one place for a while. How would my life have turned out if I had grown up in my country? With my cousins? With my grandparents? We all have something missing in our lives I guess.
Embrace the mistakes and move on. CHANGE. Progress. MOVE ON.
On the way back from Jordan on the plane, this song came on as soon as I put on the headphones. It is an old Arabic song, Efrah ya Alby, that played in Cairo at night. It translates to - 'get happy, my heart'.
Here I am again. Trying to navigate myself away from the storm of self loathing and the shores of self pity. And the shore seems so inviting. I just want to lie on the sand and get a tan and let the sweet sun hit my face in my perfect body. Just lying there breathing the crisp salty air. Happy. Just say it, come on. Just swim towards defeat. Cause don't givin' up look so sweet? This isn't the job for you. You aren't cut out for this. You are not sales. You are a humanitarian. You studied law! What are you doing here? Just give up and find what you truly love doing. Dad can assist you financially. Till you find the next job. And there you will find love I'm sure. And happiness. Whatever that is.
You don't need to pay these bills and save for your student loan, and be broke at the end of each month. It can wait - quit and do what you love. Just do it!
But I did work in law? Last year infact. I did do human rights. And I gave that up too when the going got tough. I decided that I want an international career. I don't want to be in NZ. I want to work for a big company for once. Dress up, travel. And opportunity came-a-knockin'. And I answered the door and took my shiny new business partner in with a big hug. I had so much hope.
So why have I not stopped crying today? On the plane back from Amman, in the taxi home, on my way to work, on my way back from work.
Have I just lost my parents? Am I fighting a debilitating illness? Am I poor? Am I a refugee? none of that. I'm here in Dubai, where pain is relative and I am for now the centre of my universe. Still looking for easy distractions. When no one gives any attention to my moans and complaints, I run home crying. Who wants to listen anymore? Not even myself. Because i've got to decide. I've got to make a decision. Give up, or keep going. WHAT AM I FIGHTING FOR?
Nothing.
I'm fighting for nothing. If this is do or die, if not going to work meant I would not eat for a week. If I took a vow of silence in order to help cure cancer, or had to cross a desert just to hydrate my dying son - would I have clasped my head in my hands, held back my tears and walked out of work so easily today? Or would I have just walked on. Given it all I had. I made a mistake - maybe in taking this job. Maybe in doing my job. I made a mistake. And this is business baby, no one gives a shit and you will get the blame. People are vicious, they will blame you for shit just to make themselves look like shining stars. The more naive you are, the bigger bites they will take. And lucky for them I'm 80% naivety. Your manager will put you down and you will be so consumed with this because right now, it's the end of the world. Succeeding in this job or failing - is occupying my entire world. Turning my hair grey. It's making me depressed. My bones ache. I'm stuck in mud. And I'm not willing to take of my shoes and get out.
When will I stop calling my dad? Reminding him that I have failed, and waiting for him to tell me no. I just want to convince him that I have failed, so that he can tell me leave my job. Which he has. He is my pillar and I am the shaking ground. My dad - who after studying and practising medicine for 15 years, becoming the best in his field, came to NZ and worked at a petrol station pumping gas and washing windows. Dr. Hilal- who didn't have a car in Libya, because he spent the money to enrol me into a private school, instead of buying one- stopped and begged a kind stranger on a desert highway, to take us to my first day of school.
All these tears, and all these tantrums and all these fears because I stuffed something up at work? Because work is not this fun little hub? Because at 27 I'm still single and no one is interested? All this for that?
I know a huge part of it is because I'm still trying to get to this life I see in my dreams...where I am so much bigger than this. And this is all part of the plan. This is all part of the journey and one day I'll be this person I see in my head. One day, I will thank the heavens for giving me a day like this. A day where I thought life beat me so bad - I couldn't even get out of bed.
I'm not even going to write about the fact that my recent trip to Jordan was probably the last time I saw my grandma. Or my uncle and aunties in one place for a while. How would my life have turned out if I had grown up in my country? With my cousins? With my grandparents? We all have something missing in our lives I guess.
Embrace the mistakes and move on. CHANGE. Progress. MOVE ON.
On the way back from Jordan on the plane, this song came on as soon as I put on the headphones. It is an old Arabic song, Efrah ya Alby, that played in Cairo at night. It translates to - 'get happy, my heart'.
Oh my Dean. How my heart knows your pain! I just want to say that what helped me most is knowing that this world is meant to ache, to make use bleed and break every bone in the body of our dreams. We chase the world and worldly things, but this chase is a mirage that distracts us from the truth. I always turn to the Quran for guidance:
ReplyDeleteSurat Al-Hadid (57:20)
"Know that the life of this world is but amusement and diversion and adornment and boasting to one another and competition in increase of wealth and children - like the example of a rain whose [resulting] plant growth pleases the tillers; then it dries and you see it turned yellow; then it becomes [scattered] debris.And in the Hereafter is severe punishment and forgiveness from Allah and approval. And what is the worldly life except the enjoyment of delusion".