I have willingly entered dangerous territory. I am trying to keep my head on the ground. I can see dismal things unfolding before my eyes, but can also feel the naivety kicking in, and the butterflies running away with my day dreams. But I hope I go slow and steady. Trying so hard not to get attached, or fall in love....although after yesterday - it seems difficult. Still, I should focus on the task ahead, because - what if this trip is it? What if the universe is unfolding as it should? I am about to go to the airport to board my plane to Nigeria. Fingers crossed this won't be my last post! 

Yesterday I couldn't stop listening to this song......

Juliet the dice were loaded from the start
And I bet and you exploded in my heart
And I forget I forget the movie song
When you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong juliet?

Come up on different streets they both were streets of shame
Both dirty both mean yes and the dream was just the same
And I dreamed your dream for you and now your dream is real
How can you look at me as I was just another one of your deals?

When you can fall for chains of silver you can fall for chains of gold
You can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold

Oh - and this is a great version too. Enjoy and hope to write soon x

The nature of this blog, is that I can't pull out my laptop and write at the exact moment things are happening. I wish I could - because more and more happens and I forget to post! Anyway, given that that my laptop still operates on NZ time, it also writes in the future (it's still the 18th here in Dubai). 

What I wanted to write about, is my unexpected, random, Valentines day. I met a handsome man while getting my visa at the Nigerian Embassy. Shared a taxi back together for 2 hours. Then ended up on a random date. Ofcoarse, he's showing all signs of a player and I'm trying not to get hooked (mainly because I see no future for religious reasons). We went out on a very romantic date, to the palms (see pic below). I wanted to leave it at that - just a great spontaneous random night.But no. Went on another date and he keeps wanting to see me. I know what the reason is, and I am torn between my two personalities. Spontaneous and reckless, emotional and attached. I just want to live in the moment and enjoy - but I also have be prepared to also play a very dangerous game. Putting myself on the line. UGH. I am complicating things. I start getting all serious and contradictory and it's scary. I need to stop. But anyway, that valentines date - really made me think about how everything can change in a second, and also how important it is not to complicate things and live in the moment. If anything this experience will hopefully teach me a little bit about the art of flirting, and mystery. And how not say too much. I need to remove all form of attachment and just have fun with it. I am trying not to be naive, and just be myself. It's so hard for a dreamer to be realistic. Lord keep me safe!
My brain is trying so hard not to think about my upcoming trip to Nigeria. God. 

Went to see Django yesterday with said boy. Hah! so much for keeping away. Anyway, this was one of my favourite songs in the film, but overall great soundtrack. 

Enjoy x

strength

noun

1.

the quality or state of being strong; bodily or muscular power; vigor.

2.

mental power, force, or vigor.

3.

moral power, firmness, or courage.

4.

power by reason of influence, authority, resources, numbers, etc.

5.

number, as of personnel or ships in a force or body: a regiment with a strength of 3000.

Today was a horrible day at work. But I am numb. I don't know if it's a sign of growing up, or giving up. I don't feel sad or happy, I am just getting on with things. Tomorrow I am going to the Embassy of Nigeria to get my visa. My brain is trying to hold on to any fibre of coherency or consistency or motivation. Today I thought F**k it. If they fire me, they fire me - another chapter in my life. If they don't, well i'll try to get on with things as best as I can. In the meantime, there are tears, and pointless changing of pictures on facebook, just to give me something else to think about. And in between eating really bad Pasta (note to self: never eat pasta for lunch again!) there is random singing and day dreaming - mainly making up videos to songs in my head. There is the feeling of nausea, mixed in with the euphoria of hope. There is today. But, and I am scared to admit this - there is also a very, very strange feeling that at any moment - there might not be a tomorrow. That thought gives me a welcome sense calmness. A pleasant acceptance. I think about lady justice and her scales, as she helplessly battles to balance with the weight of the world. On one side she must have un-ventured cities, un-discoverd lovers, un-conditional trust, animals and laughter and water and music. On the other - there is money and worry. pointless, heavy worry. and war. And betrayal. There is imagined crime and paranoia and hypochondria. There is failure. There are images of that pasta I ate for lunch, and the bloatedness of my stomach afterwards. Then she remembers that shes in the middle! And she's in control. She creates all the rules for her soul to follow. For her hands to balance. With choice. She knows that despite the swaying and the ups and downs, the scales wont kill her, they will only make her stronger. .. And lady justice smiles, in the middle, all alone. And the scales begin to stabilize. Because she knows that when all the shit is over - when she really thinks about what matters- it really is a wonderful world ...

I try my hardest to wake up everyday with a sense of purpose, a motivation to commit my energy to something. Trying to invest my minutes to create something productive. It's conscious, and I consciously waste time. Even coming on this blog, to write this. During work. I looked at myself in the mirror today. Not like a passing glance because it's all too familiar. No. I really looked at myself. The age old question popped up again. How did I get here? Did I merely follow destiny's plan, or did I make a decision - so bad and ill thought that changed the course of my life to bring me here? And if I did steer myself away from destiny, and delayed the work of fate - (a contradictory statement), when will I finally come back to the right path again? Did I actually take the right path? What am I missing that makes me feel this way? Am I, as Plato proclaimed, forever in limbo until I find my other half? Am I missing excercise, the right career? or is it just pure gratitude that I lack? Gratitude. Yes. Find something to be greatful for wherever you find yourself inhaling in full health. This needs to be your daily practice.


I stare at my computer screen at home, and my background reads: 'the happiness of your life, depends on the quality of your thoughts'. I need this. I need distance - from pointless talking, from this incessant need to always say something. Is this my personality? Yes - be myself - for those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter. But still, I come home and wonder -who am I? *flashback to Les miserables scene, where he sings who Am I*. I only ask that question when I know I haven't been myself. I need to be myself. Without excuses, without acting, without pretending. Just be who you are - you know what you want, and you know what's good for you.

Anyway - that is as much as my philospher wannabe brain can spew out this morning. I have no motivation for this job. I have regret for the way I behaved in the first few days. Let us leave it at that, listen to India Arie who always has the right answers, and get on with the day. 

Ok well that failed.....


Clear sign I shouldn't be embarrassing myself on my bday!! hahah - I'll post a better one later. In the mean time, here's the actual song :) 

In other news, I spent the day totally alone in my new flat! cleaning, gyming, eating right. Watching Tootsie...damn Dustin Hoffman is awesome. going out to dinner tonight with the few lovely people I have met here. It's nice to spend your birthday with yourself! x

It is a beautiful Dubai Sunday. I moved here 36 days ago. I have gone through a myriad of emotions, and now I am 27 years old in a new city. I still have not found that elusive love. I still have not saved or bought a house, nor have I found a career, or done a few things I had set out to do. But I have been able to accomplish so much in my 27 years. I wake up most days ready to try. God has blessed me with the best of friends, and he has brought into my life the best people. And if that's not enough, I have the most amazing parents. I am everything because of my parents, and I am glad I can still call talk to them, despite the distance. 

Three weeks ago I faced my fear and joined forces with an acoustic guitarist. I know I haven't got the best voice, but music just heals my soul. These once a week jam sessions have made me smile in a new city, and made me forget my troubles. The song below was recorded by a really crappy Iphone mic, but I thought I'd share it with you for my bday, because it also happens to be on a beautiful Sunday morning. Lots of love and chocolate covered hugs. Thank you for staying in touch x

You say the more you think

You know what’s right

The less you do

What you feel inside

So I won’t pretend that I always know

I just follow my heart wherever it goes

And I may not always get it right

But at least I’m living coz I’ve only got this…

One life, one life, one life

I’ve got this one life

If I knew yesterday what I know today

Where would I be tomorrow?

I won’t let my soul slide away

I’d do whatever it takes

Coz this time’s only borrowed