Time to be honest with myself now. The wheels of change are turning. Life owes you nothing. NOTHING. I have been pampered and spoilt my whole life. No matter how much I think I know - I know nothing of the world yet. Partly funded travel is not a hard life. I am still learning. I don't know the meaning of hard work. When things don't work out the way  I want - I give up. I run away. I've always done that. The only thing I have stuck with is Law...yes I've become stronger, less naive. Yes I am independent. But....this is it. You're forgetting God doesn't give too many chances.....

Thank you mum today for the tough love. You made me cry, but you also made me see what I need to. Yes we don't see eye to eye, but I know I argue with you because part of what you say is right. I am unhappy with myself - and that is why I react the way I do. I know you have your points that I will never understand, but it's too late for you to change. Not for me. This will be the tough year. I'm not here to find love, or party, or spend all my salary. I am certainly not here to just complain and ignore my blessings. But that's all I've done. I need balance - yes, but I need focus more. I chose this path, and I am blessed enough to have parents who have supported every choice I made. I am sick of my excuses - which I noticed myself repeating today:  I am doing this for them. Or I am like this because of my mum, or how she treats me. None of this is a fact. None of it is inherited. They are just excuses. They are easy to produce. I need to know real hard ship. All I've known is good luck, and fun. So what if I am alone. I need to know myself, and stand up for what I want. No body is going to give me that answer. Not a boyfriend, not a husband not my parents. I need to know what I want. Go for it. And If I don't, I need to make the most of where I am now. Try my hardest before giving up.

Second to last day with mum - listening to Fairuz over breakfast. I will miss this......

Me and mum went to the most beautiful mosque in the morning in Abu Dhabi. Seriously, it was amazing. For a while, whilst you were there and reminded that there is infact a higher power - the world and it's problems become so insignificant. Perspective is much needed. I heard NZ's own Bic Runga on the way back too and it made me smile :) The universe knows how you are feeling, even if you don't. 

ps. Here's a pic of the mosque. 

                                                       Just wanna know ya

Just wanna talk to ya

I wanna hear about your day

I'd never leave ya

Never be mean to ya

I'd always let you get your way

Something good will come our way 

And maybe this good thing's gonna happen today

If I were honest

I'd tell you everything

But it keeps coming out as lies

Its' not a promise

In case your wondering

It's not some blessing in disguise

                                           I know romance is not in fashion

And my heart is on the line

If you would be so kind

To help me kill some time

Then something good just might come crashing

From the stars that light the sky

If you would be so kind

To help me kill some time

The Road Not Taken

BY ROBERT FROST

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I read this poem this morning to my mother - who woke up and sighed her usual sigh....that pretty much asked why? why am I not next to them in NZ - waiting for a handsome young Arab to propose and build me a house near them?  Why am I putting myself through this torture, from city to city job to job? She sighed and asked me 'wouldn't it have been easier if I had stuck to Law? Or if I had studied medicine and become a doctor like them?'. 

And I read her this poem - and she was quiet. 

Ekh. I am sorry for those of you who have been reading my little rants. I sound like such a spoilt lazy brat! How can I get to where I want to be in life, if I don't start appreciating what I have and just working with it? I felt the way I did below because I was unfocused, and I was trying my hardest to not focus on anything but work. Look for a way out. Well I want to remember today, because I had a great day. I realized I have an amazing job, and an amazing team. Shit I get to travel so much and make my own rules and be my own manager. I am country manager of sales for Nigeria,Malaysia, Morocco,  and the Middle East for godsakes! Who the hell can say that at 27!? And Imagine what the hell I can do and where I can go with this role if I just apply myself. Why couldn't this be my career? If I keep jumping from job to job, and country to country - ofcoarse I'm going to never feel confident and satisfied. I am too impatient with everything. With life, with love, with everything - and I am too hard on myself. Take it easy girl. Plan. Focus. Don't be ADD. Don't discuss people, discuss ideas and dreams. Don't complain. You have all the balls in your court (heh balls). Just make sure to aim and score. I am in the perfect place to be where I want to be in life. RANT OVER. 

DISCLAIMER/Justification for Rants: For those of you who read this though, I hope my rants have helped you realize that it is hard work to choose gratitude and happiness, over complaints and negativity - that's easy to do. And I hope it has helped you to realize, that the grass is not always greener for everybody. That yes, there are people out there still struggling with who they are (ME), and that it is ok to take chances, feel lonely, and have moments of regret and insanity....but the one thing I can say about myself is that I have taken every opportunity thrown at me (I just need to focus on making the most of it, instead of looking for the next high). And that has led me to live a less than ordinary life, for which I should always be grateful. Look for the positives! It's hard, but we can do it. 

Eww I sound like I am trying to be a guru! You could just read me and think ' I thought I was insane, sheesh!', which is mainly why I would always like watching Jersey shore. It made me feel good to know that there were people more effed up than me in the world! Heh. Did I even make sense? I need to get a life. 

Ok seriously, rant over. Here is a nice song by Wild Belle. 

Dang I sound like an extremely broken record. I just keep repeating myself.....

Well rather I just type how I feel.... and this morning I woke up and felt depressed again. I wonder, Is it a choice of mine to feel this way? or do I just enjoy complaining? I know I am still lost and still impatient with what I am trying to do in my life....I guess I am fed up with being unsettled, but that's largely due to the fact that I don't know what I want to do. I thought this was going to be my career path - but this role is so all over the show, and autonomous. I need people around me. I need to interact with people.  Do I do my masters and teach? How do I get back into law? Will I like it? Where would I go to study? Do I stay here? Should I just shut up and go about today as best as I can and try to find the positives and then think about this crap later? GRATITUDE. This is what I want to practice. I am trying - this morning I woke up to go for a swim, but instead I made excuses. So this came to mind.

Since I didn't go for a swim, the motivation did not work. I am going to go for a swim after work though. I think. I want that guilt to take over and motivate me.

Anyway, heres a cool song for you this morning/evening. Enjoy x

Victor Chavez died today. I don't really know much about him, but all these names were conjured up in the news and it made me want to protest. Fidel, Che Guevara.....I feel like I live a fake existence sometimes here in Dubai. Well it's comfortable living more so than fake. Blah. I am sick of thinking. Just taking it day by day and trying to do more. The job satisfaction is zero, but I am trying more everyday. Lost my focus,but now back at it. Today when I was reading the news my brain went to the video below.. I felt like I was in the video...(damn I want that hot kiss). I am working for such a commercial company, and I forgot my fighting spirit. I feel like I sold my soul. From human rights to a total money making machine.  My brain was all over the show, basically like the clip. Anyway I chose this, so as per my post below, time to make the most of where I am and get on with things. Heck I get to travel so why not? I am trying not to think too much....just get on with things day by day. Hah. Yeah clearly I am! ok ...SHUT UP BRAIN! 

Anyway - I love having my mum here for now. She made me wake up early and go for a swim. It's going to be my daily ritual from now on. I feel motivated again. I am in control. 

Today is Miriam Makeba's day of Birth. AKA. Mama Africa. A phenomenal and revolutionary woman, in terms of civil rights and music. I am becoming more accepting of my job, as I went and searched the net for new ones...I am ready to try and give this a good go.

Oh and my mum is here visiting. I am actually loving having her here. I was dreading it, and thought we would fight, but I loved coming home today to see her sitting on my couch :) I also got in trouble for coming back from Nigeria early. Heh. In one ear, out the other. I need to keep quiet at work too. 


So anyway, because it is mama Africa's bday - and because my mama is here, I will share with you Maya Angelou's Phenomenal Woman. For the Phenomenal Woman sitting on my couch :) 

PHENOMENAL WOMANby Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing of my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
The palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.