"Difference"
Anna Kamieńska 

Tell me what’s the difference
between hope and waiting
because my heart doesn’t know
It constantly cuts itself on the glass of waiting
It constantly gets lost in the fog of hope

Thank you my dearest Zinnia for reminding me to watch this again. 

Okay you've had your fun, you've hit a slight bump in the road - now back to focus. FOCUS on your opportunities....on your family....on YOU, and what makes you happy, not what makes you doubt yourself and holds you back! Be yourself, focus on what the universe is bringing your way (and ignore what it brought you valentines day - that was just a detour). Game face back on baby! Bye bye and thanks for the sweet sweet nothing x
(yes I do realize I have posted this before, but now it's more fitting..hehe enjoy your day/night my lovelies) x

I may have posted this before, but whatevs. Amy - you are a legend. 
Thanks for getting me through x

Ummm ok - disclaimer from recent posts. I have been getting emails/texts from you asking if I am ok. YES!!! my lovelies. I am very much ok. Just growing up I guess, which is what I was trying to convey below - sorry if It comes off that I am depressed! I am not at all. Just have so much happening, and this blog is my reflection- but I do overthink, and I am trying to shed my skin abit and just live in the moment - so hence my confusing/up and down posts! I  am honest and just open on here, because I know it helps some of you to read this aswell. Here is a happy song to shake yo booty to. Thanks Nigeria! x

There is so much I want to write about, sing about, do a dance to, cry to - so I might post up several songs. I still feel like I am in a state of trance or hypnosis - just listening to songs and carrying on.  Maybe its stress relief? Or maybe I am just willingly wasting opportunities. When I read back on the posts below, I realize I am at the place I most feared. I started with a strong sense determination. This strive for focus ....to make something out of myself. I feel like the years are passing, and I am just collecting more trades, and becoming a master at nothing. I thought I had found a career. I thought I had found my passion. I thought I had found love. Nothing in my life seems settled. But maybe it's because this is what I want? And I just have to accept - that my life is not going to go the typical, standard run of the mill Arabic path...I am this carefree spirit, I like to run wild and act on impulse - I know this. Yet I keep yearning to be this poised, polite quiet Arabic girl. I watch people get engaged in NZ. To guys who had approached me. Was that my fate? Or is this it? They are getting married, younger and younger. And I watch my parents get older and older. I just need to accept how I am. And how I function. This is how function, in the beautiful mess of chaos. In the whirlwind of uncertainty. It's fine to long for a family. A quiet life. Real love. A career path you are passionate about. But for now, exhaust your options. swallow and taste every little particle of opportunity and chance life throws at you. You are here for a reason. Don't look back.

These thoughts swam in my mind as I sat in taxi after taxi in the sweltering heat of Lagos, Nigeria. Yes I made it. I survived it. The people are wonderful, and it reminded me of my circle of friends back home. How we try to be all ghetto and African. Haha. One of my friends is African though, I remembered Shia alot. And Lada. And the secret. The Nigerians had a lot of swag too. It was impressive. Big bootys everywhere. I sat there and complained about the heat, as I watched people with missing limbs, even children carry pointless goods to try to make a buck or two as the cars waited in traffic. And I still sat there thinking how will I sell my product? How will they sell vegetables to standby cars - before sunset - so they can feed their family? And then old mind, the one that used to protest and worship human rights, that used to be enraged and cry when I saw things like this - my old mind that was trying to resurface, went elsewhere. I had become desensitized to poverty. Yes I felt blessed - but I also know this country. This is Iraq. This is not far from where I come. The poverty, the corruption, the harshness of life. So I cut my journey short. I mean, that wasn't the only reason - but I felt so alone, even though I was travelling with a colleague. He was so focused and experienced, and I felt out of my league. Completely. I hope I made some business, but we'll see. I also didn't want to spend my weekend there, and I didn't want to travel alone to another part of Nigeria next week. I was supposed to come back in 5 days, but think I worked hard and did alot in those 3 days. I am exhausted. 

So I am back. In my flat. In Dubai. I might get in trouble for this - but meh. 

So the song that describes Nigeria for me? like I said - I thought about my best friends back home, and when we discovered the song 'African Queen'. I did not realize it was Nigerias most famous! So here it is. Enjoy x (Ps. There are continuing posts below). 

With regards to the boy - I am torn between faith, experience, temptation, and this state of numbness. I feel more realistic about boys now though. I am not giddy, or hopeful (well theres nothing to be hopeful about, hes a different religion). Hah. Religion. God. Heaven. Hell. Life. Please keep my seatbelt on as I go through this car ride. The universe is throwing at me everything I asked for, and I am just not learning how to juggle in this circus. I don't want to be the funny clown again. I want to juggle everything and wow myself, crowd or not. I want to wow myself. I am so hungry for experience. I mean I want to be more realistic. I want to enjoy my time, but not get attached like I used to. Maybe this whole thing will help me? I've met my share of frogs. Guys who just wanted one thing. I was so open with them. So transparent. So full on. Now I know better. Now I keep my guard up. I am staying realistic, and waiting for disappointment - or maybe a surprise. But not like how I was before. Hah. remember when I thought I was in love with the now guitar player? yeah. No. He's more right. Muslim, nice and doesn't lie. But I want to play with fire. Maybe I always have. I know how boys sugar coat and make shiny all those poisioned apples. I still want to see him? I have seen him alot since we've met. Maybe I'll see him again this evening. Before he travels. I am not trusting anything he says, but so far so good. There is a mutual understanding between us. For now we just enjoy each other's company and it will fizzle out soon perhaps. Ugh. whatever. Day by day. Just get on with life. It's not like I have a knight in shining armour waiting in the back ground.  Anyway, everytime I think of what I am doing with all this - I remember last request by Paolo Nutini, and the part where he says "......sure I can accept that we're going nowhere,but one last time let's go there....lay down beside me". I think this describes perfectly how I feel here about the whole thing, so I don't know why I tried to justify everything above, heh. Enjoy x

Oh - and on the plane ride back (most boring 11 hours of my life - it was just waiting, and waiting and waiting). Anyway, on the way back I watched this doco on these guys called the Flying steps. They are break dancers who did a collaboration with a pianist (hehe funny word) who plays Bach, and it was their journey. It was amazing. I can't believe I just discovered them. It made me think so much about what I know I am missing. Passion for what I do - like I said, I know you should remove regret from your vocab, but sometimes I wonder - what If I had studied performing arts and Spanish like I had wanted? Where would I be now? I need creativity in my life. I know this. That's why I post here. That is why I sometimes sing. That is why I need to dance. Anyway - their success is one in a million I know. But what made it more fascinating, was that they are mainly made up of immigrants who had come to Germany. The leader is Lebanese, the rest are of Asian or Moroccan decent. Watch the clip below, its beautiful. I want to dance again! (which by the way is possible, I just have to do it - because as it turns out, right in front of work is a dance studio! Again - the universe has put in front of me everything I wanted, I just need to regain focus, and juggle). It's a long clip, but you must watch! Enjoy x

I have willingly entered dangerous territory. I am trying to keep my head on the ground. I can see dismal things unfolding before my eyes, but can also feel the naivety kicking in, and the butterflies running away with my day dreams. But I hope I go slow and steady. Trying so hard not to get attached, or fall in love....although after yesterday - it seems difficult. Still, I should focus on the task ahead, because - what if this trip is it? What if the universe is unfolding as it should? I am about to go to the airport to board my plane to Nigeria. Fingers crossed this won't be my last post! 

Yesterday I couldn't stop listening to this song......

Juliet the dice were loaded from the start
And I bet and you exploded in my heart
And I forget I forget the movie song
When you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong juliet?

Come up on different streets they both were streets of shame
Both dirty both mean yes and the dream was just the same
And I dreamed your dream for you and now your dream is real
How can you look at me as I was just another one of your deals?

When you can fall for chains of silver you can fall for chains of gold
You can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold

Oh - and this is a great version too. Enjoy and hope to write soon x

The nature of this blog, is that I can't pull out my laptop and write at the exact moment things are happening. I wish I could - because more and more happens and I forget to post! Anyway, given that that my laptop still operates on NZ time, it also writes in the future (it's still the 18th here in Dubai). 

What I wanted to write about, is my unexpected, random, Valentines day. I met a handsome man while getting my visa at the Nigerian Embassy. Shared a taxi back together for 2 hours. Then ended up on a random date. Ofcoarse, he's showing all signs of a player and I'm trying not to get hooked (mainly because I see no future for religious reasons). We went out on a very romantic date, to the palms (see pic below). I wanted to leave it at that - just a great spontaneous random night.But no. Went on another date and he keeps wanting to see me. I know what the reason is, and I am torn between my two personalities. Spontaneous and reckless, emotional and attached. I just want to live in the moment and enjoy - but I also have be prepared to also play a very dangerous game. Putting myself on the line. UGH. I am complicating things. I start getting all serious and contradictory and it's scary. I need to stop. But anyway, that valentines date - really made me think about how everything can change in a second, and also how important it is not to complicate things and live in the moment. If anything this experience will hopefully teach me a little bit about the art of flirting, and mystery. And how not say too much. I need to remove all form of attachment and just have fun with it. I am trying not to be naive, and just be myself. It's so hard for a dreamer to be realistic. Lord keep me safe!
My brain is trying so hard not to think about my upcoming trip to Nigeria. God. 

Went to see Django yesterday with said boy. Hah! so much for keeping away. Anyway, this was one of my favourite songs in the film, but overall great soundtrack. 

Enjoy x

strength

noun

1.

the quality or state of being strong; bodily or muscular power; vigor.

2.

mental power, force, or vigor.

3.

moral power, firmness, or courage.

4.

power by reason of influence, authority, resources, numbers, etc.

5.

number, as of personnel or ships in a force or body: a regiment with a strength of 3000.

Today was a horrible day at work. But I am numb. I don't know if it's a sign of growing up, or giving up. I don't feel sad or happy, I am just getting on with things. Tomorrow I am going to the Embassy of Nigeria to get my visa. My brain is trying to hold on to any fibre of coherency or consistency or motivation. Today I thought F**k it. If they fire me, they fire me - another chapter in my life. If they don't, well i'll try to get on with things as best as I can. In the meantime, there are tears, and pointless changing of pictures on facebook, just to give me something else to think about. And in between eating really bad Pasta (note to self: never eat pasta for lunch again!) there is random singing and day dreaming - mainly making up videos to songs in my head. There is the feeling of nausea, mixed in with the euphoria of hope. There is today. But, and I am scared to admit this - there is also a very, very strange feeling that at any moment - there might not be a tomorrow. That thought gives me a welcome sense calmness. A pleasant acceptance. I think about lady justice and her scales, as she helplessly battles to balance with the weight of the world. On one side she must have un-ventured cities, un-discoverd lovers, un-conditional trust, animals and laughter and water and music. On the other - there is money and worry. pointless, heavy worry. and war. And betrayal. There is imagined crime and paranoia and hypochondria. There is failure. There are images of that pasta I ate for lunch, and the bloatedness of my stomach afterwards. Then she remembers that shes in the middle! And she's in control. She creates all the rules for her soul to follow. For her hands to balance. With choice. She knows that despite the swaying and the ups and downs, the scales wont kill her, they will only make her stronger. .. And lady justice smiles, in the middle, all alone. And the scales begin to stabilize. Because she knows that when all the shit is over - when she really thinks about what matters- it really is a wonderful world ...

I try my hardest to wake up everyday with a sense of purpose, a motivation to commit my energy to something. Trying to invest my minutes to create something productive. It's conscious, and I consciously waste time. Even coming on this blog, to write this. During work. I looked at myself in the mirror today. Not like a passing glance because it's all too familiar. No. I really looked at myself. The age old question popped up again. How did I get here? Did I merely follow destiny's plan, or did I make a decision - so bad and ill thought that changed the course of my life to bring me here? And if I did steer myself away from destiny, and delayed the work of fate - (a contradictory statement), when will I finally come back to the right path again? Did I actually take the right path? What am I missing that makes me feel this way? Am I, as Plato proclaimed, forever in limbo until I find my other half? Am I missing excercise, the right career? or is it just pure gratitude that I lack? Gratitude. Yes. Find something to be greatful for wherever you find yourself inhaling in full health. This needs to be your daily practice.


I stare at my computer screen at home, and my background reads: 'the happiness of your life, depends on the quality of your thoughts'. I need this. I need distance - from pointless talking, from this incessant need to always say something. Is this my personality? Yes - be myself - for those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter. But still, I come home and wonder -who am I? *flashback to Les miserables scene, where he sings who Am I*. I only ask that question when I know I haven't been myself. I need to be myself. Without excuses, without acting, without pretending. Just be who you are - you know what you want, and you know what's good for you.

Anyway - that is as much as my philospher wannabe brain can spew out this morning. I have no motivation for this job. I have regret for the way I behaved in the first few days. Let us leave it at that, listen to India Arie who always has the right answers, and get on with the day. 

Ok well that failed.....


Clear sign I shouldn't be embarrassing myself on my bday!! hahah - I'll post a better one later. In the mean time, here's the actual song :) 

In other news, I spent the day totally alone in my new flat! cleaning, gyming, eating right. Watching Tootsie...damn Dustin Hoffman is awesome. going out to dinner tonight with the few lovely people I have met here. It's nice to spend your birthday with yourself! x

It is a beautiful Dubai Sunday. I moved here 36 days ago. I have gone through a myriad of emotions, and now I am 27 years old in a new city. I still have not found that elusive love. I still have not saved or bought a house, nor have I found a career, or done a few things I had set out to do. But I have been able to accomplish so much in my 27 years. I wake up most days ready to try. God has blessed me with the best of friends, and he has brought into my life the best people. And if that's not enough, I have the most amazing parents. I am everything because of my parents, and I am glad I can still call talk to them, despite the distance. 

Three weeks ago I faced my fear and joined forces with an acoustic guitarist. I know I haven't got the best voice, but music just heals my soul. These once a week jam sessions have made me smile in a new city, and made me forget my troubles. The song below was recorded by a really crappy Iphone mic, but I thought I'd share it with you for my bday, because it also happens to be on a beautiful Sunday morning. Lots of love and chocolate covered hugs. Thank you for staying in touch x

You say the more you think

You know what’s right

The less you do

What you feel inside

So I won’t pretend that I always know

I just follow my heart wherever it goes

And I may not always get it right

But at least I’m living coz I’ve only got this…

One life, one life, one life

I’ve got this one life

If I knew yesterday what I know today

Where would I be tomorrow?

I won’t let my soul slide away

I’d do whatever it takes

Coz this time’s only borrowed

I Kept thinkin' I Could Never See This Day
It Seemed So Far Away

It's so funny how quick things can change
Don't wanna make the same mistakes

This time I'll be a little smarter
I push myself a little harder 
 'Cause My dreams ain't that much farther, hey

I won't give up without a fight
I'ma reach for the sky
 Try 'till I get It Right
So I can see the day
When I can have things my way

I'ma start all over
Things are getting closer
I can see it baby...
Although I've had my Highs and Lows
I'ma push down that road, Yeah
My lord keeps sending me the signs
I know this ones gonna be mine
It won't happen if I don't try, No

This time I'll be a little smarter
 I push myself a little harder 
 'Cause My dreams ain't that much farther, hey


Don't give up without a fight

I feel better today. I've said it before, and I'll say it again - life is 10% what happens and 90% how you react to it. No body feels 100% all the time. You just have to take it day by day. I could write something un-original and repeated, but I will share something with you that is much more beautiful. My friend Jenn, who writes the most amazing words wroteme this, and it made me smilecry:

 There is no time for regret - there is no perfect job, no perfect decision, no perfect place...you just have to fight every step of the way to make it yours and right for you as much as you can, whatever it is you're given at this point in time. That's the only thing I know for certain now. That you make the decisions you do, for whatever reason, and the only way you're going to be happy is if you stick to it and live it the best you can. Nothing will lead you to perfection for free...have to work at it. Even if it looks like you'll never get there. Life doesnt belong to you - its just a battle, and it goes out like a flame when its your time. Nothing's promised to you - no money, no amount of time, no lover, no family, nothing is guaranteed and least of all your life. Every single cell that we have, every molecule is just a miracle, let alone the sheer fact that we're alive with all our limbs working, and healthy and with money to live on, with jobs, with family. We are already living the dream...its not a matter of being grateful...its knowing this fact, and actually being able to accept it.

I totally just copy-righted and referenced. Jenn Yang, please write a book. You are amazing. My freinds are amazing. Your friends are a reflection of who you are, and so if all else fails, it makes me feel pretty happy knowing that I have the friends I do.

Here's a song from two other friends who always lend me their ear- Thank you for sharing with me music, wisdom and laughter. I am greatful to friendship. Those people that let you be you, that let you smile from the inside, and not think about a damn thing you've said and done the next day. Those friends who follow this blog, know that I miss you so much today, and I love you. I hope you are having a good day/night wherever you are reading this.

( I also love how when I read back on my goal of being motivated, I realize that I don't spend nearly half the amount of time on here as I do at work. le sigh).

I am drowining. I need to get some air. Back to my old habits again. Lost. I need to recompose. Need to re-adjust. What have I done? Why am I here? I hope this is just a bad day - but I see no hope at the moment. No. I can't quit. Quitting is easy. Who do I trust here? hang in there kitty cat. Hang in there. Sorry this is depressing. Maybe it's because I am getting older - which has never really phased me, but I feel like I am just wasting time. Wasting opportunities. I feel like I have just been placed in Dubai. With no direction.

I need to remember to be greatful. I need to just think about what matters. My parents. It feels like Utopia when I think that if it all turns to crap - I have a home to go back to. Some people don't have that. Remember your blessings. It's easy to complain. I'll be fine again. I memorized the quote below once upon a time:

“Trust me, it's paradise. This is where the hungry come to feed. For mine is a generation that circles the globe and searches for something we haven't tried before. So never refuse an invitation, never resist the unfamiliar, never fail to be polite and never outstay the welcome. Just keep your mind open and suck in the experience. And if it hurts, you know what? It's probably worth it.”




― Alex Garland