I woke up this morning and decided to watch Arab Idol auditions for some reason. This was an hour ago. I found myself crying - one after the next. It sounds stupid - but I just felt so damn proud to be Arabic. It hit me that I speak the language, I understand the words, and how I convey myself is sometimes so Arabic. Yes, I'm an Irakiwi, but I had forgotten this Arabic part of me, and I actually realized that I spent so long trying to distance myself from it. I suppose I felt that for once, I'm not part of the minority. It's strange that a stupid arab idol audition brought this out in me - but sometimes things become clearer to you in the strangest moments.

Here's an Iraqi Kurd and her interpreter singing. The interpreter wasn't meant to sing, but they asked him to - and they both made it through. The song he sings is about Iraq. 

x

The first song I dedicate to my friend Hanan. Every decision you make is necessary and planned by something external to you. Even if you think it's not ;) 

Thanks for reading and recommending the song below. 

The second song is the soundtrack for my mind when I get so stressed. When I think of my happy place (s). Day dreams include: driving on a scooter in the streets of Havana, walking around mayan ruins and colorful markets in Mexico, and walking through my little street in Spain. Don't forget your energy. Don't forget the person who always picks you up when you're down. The person that helps you survive the day. YOU. And don't forget that these journeys happened for a reason. And don't forget to dance. We all have to struggle before getting to where we want to be. If you have everything handed to you - you will never appreciate what you have in your hand. A lesson I'm learning and learning to apply. Thank you Anna and Sheema xxx

Firstly - I miss my dad. It's hard when I see my parents again. Reminds me how good I had it back home, and how much growing up I still need to do.

I am not sharing with you a song today, but wonderful words I just read. I always felt bad for not keeping busy. For procrastinating. For being lazy and having a low attention span. I also confused keeping busy with not wanting to be lonely. Ofcoarse, I am slowly realizing the value of money - thanks to my dad's recent visit, and after having to live in 3 different cities over the last 4 years (lets count Spain out because I was largely supported by my father)...supporting myself is important. Anyway - I've avoided growing up so much - and now it's time to own my decisions. I talked to an old friend yesterday, who I had not talked to in so long. I love talking to people who know me inside out - they slap me in the face and tell me to stop complaining and just change if I want, but they love me the way I am. Its hard continuously making, and keeping up with new friends - so sometimes it's good just to not explain or try.

All that aside, please read the great article below.I am one of those people who want to say I'm busy just to look important. At the same time, at this time in my life - It helps me to keep busy, but I still try to make time for fun. And going out . It's all about balance I guess. I have to feel Like I've earnt my pay. As much as I would love to live a bohemian existence right now, I cant afford to keep being selfish and spoilt. What I can afford is giving myself some peace of mind and tranquillity  Not keeping brain busy with negative thoughts. Enjoy x

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/06/30/the-busy-trap

Ok Fine, for those who do don't want to read - here's a song that's been on repeat x

Panda bear aka. my father, aka. my back bone, my light and shining star in life - is here for three days. Today we went to the mosque in Abu Dhabi again. We were joined by this guy who is Spanish and visiting from our office in Zurich. Sometimes I suggest the randomest things. Anyway it was cool. I never realised how amazing my dad is. I am so lucky to have him in my life, and yes - I thought at 27 I would be able to share my outings with my fiance or boyfriend, but they can come later. My dad and these precious moments that I get to spend with him wont be here forever, so I will savour every minute. I've missed him so much. If everything goes shit in my life , It will be ok - because God gave me the best dad in the world. Seriously.

I prayed again at the mosque. I forgot how important that part of my life was.

In the meantime - I am reminded of why I moved here. Mainly by dad. I want to make him more than anything, proud of me. Everything he is saying is true. I need to become more of a woman too. I feel this need to start being proud of who I am like alot of Arabic women. I need to take better care of my body and myself, this is the first step in getting to where I want to be. Concentrating on work is one thing - but learning to love who I am (which starts with more love and respect for me), is also another step. I am realizing more and more what I want. I need to become who I want to attract. Confident, ambitious, focused, healthy, honest, happy and kind. I want to attract these attributes in everything in my life.

On that note, I've started getting obsessed with Arabic singers, and old Italian glamour. I guess it sounds lame, but thats the kind of woman I want to be. I want to love who I am, but not take too much space (physically and metaphorically). I want to ooze femininity, and I don't want to doubt myself. I want to walk down the street - and I want people to look and say - I don't know if she's single, or a mother, or recently married, or poor, or successful - I want to know this woman.

Lame post, I know - but this is it. I am 27 and I want to start changing my lifestyle now. So that when I'm 30 or 35 or 40, I don't sit there and wish 'if only I had made a start then'. The long term benefits of being healthy, outweigh the short term benefits of eating shit food. I want to start with my body. I want to focus. I want to keep calm and carry on with my job. I want to be a better person - both inside out. God how many posts is it going to take before I actually apply this mantra? hah.

For now - I am good, but I know I am not yet my best. Tomorrow, I'll be one step closer.

Here's a picture I've made my desktop wallpaper to inspire my change. I make it my mission, that in November this year - I will take a picture similar to this - and post it on this blog. With those arms. That waist. Dammit it will happen.

Also - I couldn't stop thinking about my quicker than blowing out a flame fling. It's because I met him in Abu dhabi -and I kept listening to this stupid Arabic sad song. Anyway - I'm only thinking about that because I'm choosing to focus on the wrong things again, and nothing new in terms of boys I'm attracted to has come my way. God I'm impatient! haha.

Here's the song I had on repeat.

Time to take my heart off my sleeve.

I wear my heart on my sleeve 
Don't act like that's a disease
Need y'all to bear with me please
I just say what I see
We all just chasing a dream
In the land of the free
While we paying a fee
To stay on this concrete

Well, I don't know the price of your roof
But the first of the month we all pay our dues
When the rain falls it don't rain on a few
When the sun shine it don't shine just on you

I don't know the monsters you knew 
But I'm trying to forget the ones I met too 

Baby you could help me
Baby I could help you 

You look at me and you see what I see
Because your looking in the mirror 
When your with me there's no use in hiding
Because you're looking in the mirror

Baby baby baby don't look away 
Because you're looking in the mirror 
Cause maybe maybe maybe we're just the same 
Because you're looking in the mirror

We're all crossing paths
For a reason I know that
Hoping just to share some laughs hope avoid the broken glass
Have I met u in the past
In a life that I lived last 
Youknow they go too fast
God knows they go to fast

Girl in the park one day

Killing all the bugs on the pavement

Seems like she got a nasty streak

But she does it in a beautiful way

Like a bullet from a gun

She sparks and then she runs

The only thing she's sure of

Is that no one really understands

Sometimes ... talking about

Things just seem so strange

Lie awake in the lonely night

Things just seem so strange

Maybe it's all prearranged

Tears on an empty page

Look out the window see the full moon bloom and

This is what he says, Baby

Don't you worry

When you feel so lonely, cos

Everyone's lonely

They're all crazy too

Like their mothers

Like their fathers

Everyone's crazy

Under a lonely moon

Sometimes she gets this way

About her when she sways

Slips into a liquid tune

And vanishes away

And it's only for herself

She can't bring anyone else

Everyone's got a special box

That they keep on a dusty shelf

Such a beautiful dangerous thing

Beautiful and strange

Making love to the night itself

Beautiful and strange

Maybe it's all prearranged

Tears on an empty page

Look out the window see the full moon bloom and

This is what he says, Baby

Don't you worry

If people call you crazy, cos

Everyone's crazy

They're all lonely too

Like their mothers

Like their fathers

Everyone's crazy

Under a lonely moon

I just came back from my second business trip. I was in Kuala Lumpur - and I loved it. I guess everything seems luxurious post Nigeria!  I had a chance to meet up with my cousin, who is lovely, and I saw my niece for the very first time ever. Shes cute. I last saw my cousin with my mum, 4 years ago. She was just pregnant then (and 22). Oh life. It's moving so fast. 

I was on the trip with a work colleague. Upon first impressions, shes clearly someone who is addicted to tanning. And blonde. You might say she would be a materialistic and mean. Never thought I would say thanks to her,because I've come back a changed woman. She is such a doer. She really told me how it is, but more importantly, she led by example the whole trip. Every morning, I wanted to be lazy and complain and give up, and she used every opportunity to work hard. She's my age, and yes she has guys left right centre, but it comes from her confidence. And her confidence comes from the fact that she's always herself. And she works hard for everything in her life. And shes happy in the now. She has gone through her ups and downs, but as a person I don't know that well - we spent alot of time together in 5 days, and it was just what I needed. A semi objective opinion, based upon a series of first impressions. 

Out of everything I learnt this trip, I think she unintentionally made me realize me two very important things:

1) She heard me talk to my dad with a really bad tone in the morning, and then pulled me aside and told me I should not talk to my dad like that. This was pretty much a stranger who had noticed this....and I took it upon myself to realize what a spoilt B*** I can be sometimes. She had lost her dad, and she said 'you're lucky he even wants to talk to you!, even if he did call you so early in the morning!". Truth. Accepted. I called my dad and apologized. The sad part was that he had become so used to my tone, he didn't even notice. 

2) I wanted to sleep in and complain about how hard this job is every morning we where there. She shut me up, woke up at 7am and went to the gym. Every morning of the business trip. She wasted no opportunity. Then she sat me down, and we planned our day. It was jam packed from 9am to 7pm. Had I gone alone, I would have abused the free time completely  She works so hard, on her career, on her body, and on her as a genuine person. I know she has her issues too - and it's taken long for her to get here aswell - but shes here, and shes moving forward.  

Thanks to her I learnt the simple truth. In a world that owes you nothing, you have to give it your everything. 

Yet again, god is in the small things. The unexpected.  I had to get back on track, so the universe arranged for this trip. I needed to see someone like her in action. I needed this trip to re-focus. 

In short, Malaysia and March 2013 taught me to always Be yourself. Be nice. Be kind. Control your emotions. Stop giving yourself a hard time, when nobody else is. If you don't like something - change it. If you made a decision, stick to it and be grateful.


I heard this song as we were landing into Dubai. It put into words exactly how I feel about my current lifestyle with all the travelling! Not that I really know where home is at the moment. Anyway, I loved it. Enjoy xxx    

Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it.

I never understood what that meant, until I looked back on the past 3 years, in which, I've gotten nearly everything I have asked for. I feel so spoilt, and still I search. Being alone  makes me think of so much I want to do. My mind seems to never want a break. Problem is, I never focus and set my mind to one thing. Maybe I have A.D.D? Heh. Most probably. That or I'm just impatient.

I just said bye to my mum again. I'm flying out to Malaysia tonight, and she's staying on till the end of the week. These farewells have become a little too common for me. And I hate that.Her presence here has taught me so much. I really do understand her and appreciate her better with time. But also with distance. When I realise that she's not going to be there when I come back....the thought just washes over me and I cry because I realise how fast life is moving, and how much expectation there is...either by the standards you set, or those that this modern age does. And I remember all my loved ones in Iraq,and Jordan, and Ireland and NZ, and Spain and I just want to sit them all in one room and drink in their words, and their smiles and their laughter. God my soul needs them.But it also needs this expereince. This loneliness. I am yet to learn about betrayal, and backstabbing, and jealousy and envy and heartbreak. I need to drown all that naivety and stop being spoilt. So I need to stay here and I need to persevere.

Then the morbid thoughts start swimming in my head - and I quickly try to drown them with positive notions. Still, they whisper - "what if this is the last time you see _____?". Fill in the blank. That's all life is sometimes isn't it? You trying to fill in the blanks.

I better get ready for the trip....I forgot how great Cat Empire is....here's two of my faves from them. Enjoy x

I had a plan

but never finished it

and I've been searching for the thought

and I've been searching in a haze

I try all days

to remember it

but now the blueprint in my mind has gone

my mind forgot the colour of direction

and my eyes they see the hands

that could have built

that could have constructed

the empire in my mind

the empire

I'll never find

I had a plan

but that was where it ended

SOL Y SOMBRA  - como mi alma.


 

Time to be honest with myself now. The wheels of change are turning. Life owes you nothing. NOTHING. I have been pampered and spoilt my whole life. No matter how much I think I know - I know nothing of the world yet. Partly funded travel is not a hard life. I am still learning. I don't know the meaning of hard work. When things don't work out the way  I want - I give up. I run away. I've always done that. The only thing I have stuck with is Law...yes I've become stronger, less naive. Yes I am independent. But....this is it. You're forgetting God doesn't give too many chances.....

Thank you mum today for the tough love. You made me cry, but you also made me see what I need to. Yes we don't see eye to eye, but I know I argue with you because part of what you say is right. I am unhappy with myself - and that is why I react the way I do. I know you have your points that I will never understand, but it's too late for you to change. Not for me. This will be the tough year. I'm not here to find love, or party, or spend all my salary. I am certainly not here to just complain and ignore my blessings. But that's all I've done. I need balance - yes, but I need focus more. I chose this path, and I am blessed enough to have parents who have supported every choice I made. I am sick of my excuses - which I noticed myself repeating today:  I am doing this for them. Or I am like this because of my mum, or how she treats me. None of this is a fact. None of it is inherited. They are just excuses. They are easy to produce. I need to know real hard ship. All I've known is good luck, and fun. So what if I am alone. I need to know myself, and stand up for what I want. No body is going to give me that answer. Not a boyfriend, not a husband not my parents. I need to know what I want. Go for it. And If I don't, I need to make the most of where I am now. Try my hardest before giving up.

Second to last day with mum - listening to Fairuz over breakfast. I will miss this......

Me and mum went to the most beautiful mosque in the morning in Abu Dhabi. Seriously, it was amazing. For a while, whilst you were there and reminded that there is infact a higher power - the world and it's problems become so insignificant. Perspective is much needed. I heard NZ's own Bic Runga on the way back too and it made me smile :) The universe knows how you are feeling, even if you don't. 

ps. Here's a pic of the mosque. 

                                                       Just wanna know ya

Just wanna talk to ya

I wanna hear about your day

I'd never leave ya

Never be mean to ya

I'd always let you get your way

Something good will come our way 

And maybe this good thing's gonna happen today

If I were honest

I'd tell you everything

But it keeps coming out as lies

Its' not a promise

In case your wondering

It's not some blessing in disguise

                                           I know romance is not in fashion

And my heart is on the line

If you would be so kind

To help me kill some time

Then something good just might come crashing

From the stars that light the sky

If you would be so kind

To help me kill some time

The Road Not Taken

BY ROBERT FROST

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I read this poem this morning to my mother - who woke up and sighed her usual sigh....that pretty much asked why? why am I not next to them in NZ - waiting for a handsome young Arab to propose and build me a house near them?  Why am I putting myself through this torture, from city to city job to job? She sighed and asked me 'wouldn't it have been easier if I had stuck to Law? Or if I had studied medicine and become a doctor like them?'. 

And I read her this poem - and she was quiet. 

Ekh. I am sorry for those of you who have been reading my little rants. I sound like such a spoilt lazy brat! How can I get to where I want to be in life, if I don't start appreciating what I have and just working with it? I felt the way I did below because I was unfocused, and I was trying my hardest to not focus on anything but work. Look for a way out. Well I want to remember today, because I had a great day. I realized I have an amazing job, and an amazing team. Shit I get to travel so much and make my own rules and be my own manager. I am country manager of sales for Nigeria,Malaysia, Morocco,  and the Middle East for godsakes! Who the hell can say that at 27!? And Imagine what the hell I can do and where I can go with this role if I just apply myself. Why couldn't this be my career? If I keep jumping from job to job, and country to country - ofcoarse I'm going to never feel confident and satisfied. I am too impatient with everything. With life, with love, with everything - and I am too hard on myself. Take it easy girl. Plan. Focus. Don't be ADD. Don't discuss people, discuss ideas and dreams. Don't complain. You have all the balls in your court (heh balls). Just make sure to aim and score. I am in the perfect place to be where I want to be in life. RANT OVER. 

DISCLAIMER/Justification for Rants: For those of you who read this though, I hope my rants have helped you realize that it is hard work to choose gratitude and happiness, over complaints and negativity - that's easy to do. And I hope it has helped you to realize, that the grass is not always greener for everybody. That yes, there are people out there still struggling with who they are (ME), and that it is ok to take chances, feel lonely, and have moments of regret and insanity....but the one thing I can say about myself is that I have taken every opportunity thrown at me (I just need to focus on making the most of it, instead of looking for the next high). And that has led me to live a less than ordinary life, for which I should always be grateful. Look for the positives! It's hard, but we can do it. 

Eww I sound like I am trying to be a guru! You could just read me and think ' I thought I was insane, sheesh!', which is mainly why I would always like watching Jersey shore. It made me feel good to know that there were people more effed up than me in the world! Heh. Did I even make sense? I need to get a life. 

Ok seriously, rant over. Here is a nice song by Wild Belle. 

Dang I sound like an extremely broken record. I just keep repeating myself.....

Well rather I just type how I feel.... and this morning I woke up and felt depressed again. I wonder, Is it a choice of mine to feel this way? or do I just enjoy complaining? I know I am still lost and still impatient with what I am trying to do in my life....I guess I am fed up with being unsettled, but that's largely due to the fact that I don't know what I want to do. I thought this was going to be my career path - but this role is so all over the show, and autonomous. I need people around me. I need to interact with people.  Do I do my masters and teach? How do I get back into law? Will I like it? Where would I go to study? Do I stay here? Should I just shut up and go about today as best as I can and try to find the positives and then think about this crap later? GRATITUDE. This is what I want to practice. I am trying - this morning I woke up to go for a swim, but instead I made excuses. So this came to mind.

Since I didn't go for a swim, the motivation did not work. I am going to go for a swim after work though. I think. I want that guilt to take over and motivate me.

Anyway, heres a cool song for you this morning/evening. Enjoy x

Victor Chavez died today. I don't really know much about him, but all these names were conjured up in the news and it made me want to protest. Fidel, Che Guevara.....I feel like I live a fake existence sometimes here in Dubai. Well it's comfortable living more so than fake. Blah. I am sick of thinking. Just taking it day by day and trying to do more. The job satisfaction is zero, but I am trying more everyday. Lost my focus,but now back at it. Today when I was reading the news my brain went to the video below.. I felt like I was in the video...(damn I want that hot kiss). I am working for such a commercial company, and I forgot my fighting spirit. I feel like I sold my soul. From human rights to a total money making machine.  My brain was all over the show, basically like the clip. Anyway I chose this, so as per my post below, time to make the most of where I am and get on with things. Heck I get to travel so why not? I am trying not to think too much....just get on with things day by day. Hah. Yeah clearly I am! ok ...SHUT UP BRAIN! 

Anyway - I love having my mum here for now. She made me wake up early and go for a swim. It's going to be my daily ritual from now on. I feel motivated again. I am in control. 

Today is Miriam Makeba's day of Birth. AKA. Mama Africa. A phenomenal and revolutionary woman, in terms of civil rights and music. I am becoming more accepting of my job, as I went and searched the net for new ones...I am ready to try and give this a good go.

Oh and my mum is here visiting. I am actually loving having her here. I was dreading it, and thought we would fight, but I loved coming home today to see her sitting on my couch :) I also got in trouble for coming back from Nigeria early. Heh. In one ear, out the other. I need to keep quiet at work too. 


So anyway, because it is mama Africa's bday - and because my mama is here, I will share with you Maya Angelou's Phenomenal Woman. For the Phenomenal Woman sitting on my couch :) 

PHENOMENAL WOMANby Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing of my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
The palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Own your decisions. Move on. 

Leave no room for regret. No room for anger. No room for negativity. 

Someday doesn't exist. Never has and never will. 

There is no someday. There's only TODAY.

Real supermen don't leap over buildings in a single bound. They take small determined steps, consistently over time. 

It's not about finding out who you are. 
It's about CREATING who you are. 

Whether you think you can, or you think you can't ; You're right. 

Ask yourself honestly. 

Who do you want to be, and what are you willing to do to become that person? 

I was trying to motivate myself this evening....being the first of March and all. I always set the first as a benchmark for change. I am always looking for an excuse to start fresh, when really I just need to make a consistent effort. Not just start something, because that I always do - but continue.  I really need to step out of this mood. Why do I purposefully create drama just to procrastinate and distract myself from what I really need to focus on ? Ok I just answered my own question within the question...

I have a giant reaction to a bite on my back....its really bad, so I didn't have practice today. I am waiting for a friend to come over. I just realized, it's the first time I have ever lived alone......I've always been with my family...or a friend, or flatmates. When I look back on how much I've gone through in just 2 months - it's crazy. I am so harsh on myself.

Ofcoarse I always turn to music when I want to change my mood. And for some reason, I stumbled upon the song below today. I thought - Christina Aguilera? What the loch-ness? But I always remember when I was growing up and she came up with genie in a bottle, and there was a documentary she made....and I loved her. I wanted to be cool like her. Even though I did not identify with her at all - peroxide blonde and all,  she seemed like an old soul. She also seemed so unsure - going from Sugar pop, to Dirrrrty, to 50's to this chunky diva we see today. I don't know. I guess it's refreshing to see the beauty in women who struggle with themselves. In the metamorphism of truely becoming themselves. Not just the ones that look and act like Kate Middleton, or Katie holmes - always seemingly poised. The ones that have pain - and express it. 


So here's the song. And some of the lyrics. Enjoy and apply x 

When you're safe inside your room, you tend to dream

Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems

No one ever wants or bothers to explain

Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

When there's no one else, look inside yourself

Like your oldest friend, just trust the voice within

Then you'll find the strength that will guide your way

You'll learn to begin to trust the voice within

Yea

Young girl, don't hide

You'll never change if you just run away

Ooh, woh yeah

Young girl, just hold tight

Soon you're gonna see your brighter day